I'm not going to lie, this year has been a hard one.  I have continued having therapy with Jade and that tends to be difficult.  He really makes me work hard.  I started on some new medication that makes my hands shake.  I can't stand it.  I have to ask myself is it worth not having the suicidal thoughts over the shaking hands.  I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.  You girls need to know that I am living because of you.  Thank you for giving my life purpose.

So, a New Year, and a New ME!  I have to admit, I was a little anxious as I started this year.  This year brings a lot of uncertainty to me, things that I fear, things that could change my entire existance.  Every year is like that.  As I reflected on the New Year, I became discouraged with the "old" year, 2014.  I reflected on how hard I have worked to get to the point where I am today.  Then, I thought of how hard I have to work this year.  I have to admit, I got tired, I even became suicidal as thoughts raced thru my mind.  I texted Jade as I knew I needed to reach out to someone.  Normally he doesn't respond, and to be honest, I wasn't expecting a response, but he did answer.  He told me that I could do it!  He told me that I can't give up but to just "keep" enduring.  This is easier said than done for me. I read an email I received from my Bishop, on Hope.  Words cannot express how these two little acts of kindness literally saved my life. 

Jade had me read D&C 50 & 88.  I think that these sections talk a lot about light, how to discern light from darkness.  Where the darkness comes from, and exactly who is the light.  I know that Jesus Christ is the light of the world.  In D&C 88 it talks about Jesus is even the light not only in the sun, but in the moon and the stars.  It is so hard for me right now to discern light from dark.  Before I started taking medication I knew how the spirit felt for me.  Now, I must find a new way to feel the spirit as often times the medication takes that feeling away from you.  I asked my Bishop just wht you do when you do have those "dark" days?  When you look up at the stars, you just see a little speck of light.  When I do have those "dark" days, do I even have a "speck of light", like the stars?  Is that enough to get me thru the darkness?  What do I do when the darkness becomes too much?

I met with Jade and we talked about my abandonment issues with him.  I told him that I felt that he was abandoning me because it wasn't important for him to schedule me an appointment the week prior.  I totally went into a tail spin on the week that I did not have a session with him.  The day that I was going to meet with him, he needed to cancel my appointment because of a family conflict.  This made things worse for me.  I then told him to cancel my future appointments because I couldn't do the appointments any more, where I wondered if I was going to have an appointment or if I wasn't, etc. 

So, as we talked about my abandonment issue with him, he pointed out that I abandoned him before he would ever abandon me.  He pointed out that I do this with all of my relationships.

So, it has been awhile since I have posted and there has been a lot going on.  I have had 2 meltdowns since my last session with Jade.  My first one was on a Sunday, we had Home Teachers planned and I was stressed because my house was a mess.  I had talked to Jade the day before about 1st Corinthians chapter 13 and we talked about Charity.  I started thinking of the person I was, the person that served continually, and really, I loved doing it.  I think of the person I have become and I became so overwhelmed that I freaked out.  I called the Home Teachers and asked them not to come.  I went to sacrament and then, I came home and took a nap.  I was exhausted.  I slept thru Abbey's talk and her presentation of her Faith in God award.  I felt bad about that, and if you can't tell, I still do.

My last melt down was on Saturday.  I did not have any therapy last week.  I think I became overwhelmed.  I also think that I had some abandonment issues with Jade, because I did not have a therapy session.  With my abandonment issues I became completely overwhelmed.  I started texting Jade, trying to get any form of response, I got nothing.  Then, after not getting a response, the abandonment issues escalated, which then caused more excessive texting.  Now, after sitting with my emotions I have come to the Shame portion of this cycle.  I am embarrassed over the excessive texting.  I'm embarrassed that I opened up in my texts.  I feel like I gave him too much information.  I feel like he now knows the real me.  I thought about the job of a therapist, his job is to listen, then I started wondering if I was paying Jade to care.  I asked my Bishop, he said that therapists don't get paid enough, but that they are genuinely concerned. 

I meet with Jade tomorrow.  I am stressed about my appointment.  A part of me does not want to go.  A part of me wants to let things settle down and maybe show up to my appointment on the 13th.  A part of me wants to be done with therapy all together.  I keep hearing Jade's voice in my head telling me to "push thru it."  I am tired of pushing.  The sad truth is I am not happy where I am, but pushing thru is scary and hard.

I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  I don't want this blog to just be a downer.  Sometimes it may feel like that but that's because I do have a lot of stressors going on in my life right now.  My bathtub pipe broke and leaked on the woman below, my oven blew up, my car is leaking oil.  But, Becca is home safe from her trip, my gas is shut off in my oven so there is no danger there, and my family is alive and healthy. 

In my prior post I mentioned that I had a breakdown on Sunday.  It was really scarey.  I really needed to get out of my house.  I couldn't take it any more.  I was so stressed that I cancelled the Home Teachers, took a nap, stayed home with my kids, and made chicken noodle soup for dinner.  It ended up being a very low key day.  I really did let my bipolar get the best of me on Sunday.  I missed Abbey's last talk in Primary.  I missed her getting her Faith In God award.  She is a very forgiving kid, for that I am also truly grateful.

Because Sunday was so scarey, I didn't know what to do.  I became overwhelmed so fast.  I almost left my home.  I didn't think about calling UNI, I didn't think about texting my therapist, my bishop, or my friends.  I was literally going to run away.  I don't know if I would have returned or not because I really was not in a good frame of mind.

I had a therapy session with Jade on Saturday.  We talked a lot about my work, and then we talked about my circle of friends and how little it is.  Then we talked about 1st Corinthians 13. We talked a lot about Charity and how I need to get out of myself.  Yesterday, being Sunday, we had scheduled for the Home Teachers to come to the house.  I became so overwhelmed that I had Jed cancel the Home Teachers.  I went to Sacrament Meeting, and then I went home.  I cried so much yesterday that I was exhausted.  I thought about the person I used to be.  The person who served everyone I could think of, and then some.  Now, I am lucky enough to serve my family, and I don't even do that well.