I didn't have a therapy session yesterday because I had one earlier in the week.  My last session we ran out of time.  I could have gone on for another hour because there is so much going on.  I left feeling incomplete, that is probably the best way to describe it.  My homework assignment was to write a letter to my Heavenly Father.  I started one a week prior but did  not finish, so I was to finish my letter.  I did, it was hard, there were lots of tears, now, I have to wait to process my letter with my therapist.  The waiting is hard because all of those feelings are still there, the best way to describe it is that I have an open wound that needs a band aid and until I process it and discuss it with my therapist it is still open.

I don't have a church calling at this time.  It is a weird feeling.  So, I volunteer to sub wherever I can.  I get to substitute for the Nursery today.  I admit, I am excited, however, guess what the lesson is on. PRAYER!  These little ones are like sponges, they are just waiting to hear about Heavenly Father because they just left his presence.  No worries I will work thru it.  I thought of some fun things to do to keep them entertained.

Sunday's are always hard.  The feelings of unworthiness are always there. I am working on it.  Every Sunday I have to make a conscious decision to take the Sacrament.  I sit and cry as I reflect on my week.  I am very blessed to have a wonderful Ward family that I love and I know that there are many that love me and that is very comforting.

My husband and I are still struggling with forgiveness.  My husband is very angry at the situation that we are in.  I am trying to forgive so desparately so that I can have peace.  When I tell my husband of a flashback or he sees me cry he becomes more angry.  His anger makes it very hard to forgive.

We are meeting with our Home Teacher, who also happens to be in the Stake Presidency.  I am feeling very vulnerable as I seek to give Jed a safe person to help him with forgiveness.  It's one more person that knows , it's one more person that could look on the outward appearance instead of looking on the heart. 

Next week Frightmares opens at Lagoon.  It has always been a fun experience as they turn the park into a Halloween wonderland.  I haven't been in years.  I am scared.  With post traumatic stress the thoughts of having someone come up from behind me to scare me is freaking me out a little.  Last year I walked home from City Hall on Halloween night and I was triggered by a couple trick or treaters.  It was an awful night and I admit it is so hard to deal with the triggers and try to remain happy so that your little ones enjoy the Halloween experience.  Needless to say, I am going to need some therapy to figure this one out.

The triggers are the most unpredictable.  I am still finding just little quirky things that throw me off.  I really need some help.

Life has been so hard.  I have been working so hard in therapy.   My husband and I have started with exposure therapy.  It is the hardest thing I have done.  To be honest, being intimate scares the living daylights out of me.  It's not that I don't love my husband.  The flashbacks are terrifying.  I can't believe how much they overcome me.  Sometimes after a flashback it takes days to recover.  My Dr has started me on a new medication.  I sat in the Dr's office and cried.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I have been working part time for a while now.  The budget SUCKS.  Recently we met with the Bishop and looked over the budget.  The only way we will get ahead is if I work full time.  Right now I just can't do that.  There are days where it is so hard to hold it all together.  I break down and cry probably once a day.  My emotions are very overwhelming.  Do you know I even cried in the aisle of the feminine hygiene aisle because I knew what I needed to do?  It was awful. 

I love my husband, this has taken a lot out of us.  My kids are great kids but they are tired too.  Some days they get angry when I have therapy.  Then they get angry when I give up.  I am tired all the time.  My new medication does not make it easy for me to sleep.  A couple days ago I couldn't sleep and so I got up and went for my walk.  It was 5:00.  I thought that lots of people would be out exercising.  Well, come to find out they aren't.  So, there I was in the dark by myself and I was FREAKED OUT!  Every bush looked like a person, every little noise made my heart jump.  I even looked at my cell phone and found that at one point on my walk I walked a 7.30 minute mile (that is how freaked out I was!!!!).  About a year ago I made a deal with my therapist that I would not go walking before 6:00 because I was going like at 4:00 or 4:30 and it was not safe for me to do that.  Well I rationalized big time because since I made the deal with my old therapist I felt that it didn't apply.  So needless to say, I am going to make the same deal again with my new therapist because it was not a good experience for me and it again, it took days for me to recover.

My therapist is hard.  I do appreciate how hard he works for me.  I keep telling me that he owes me a "rent a friend" even for 10 minutes.  Last week, we had a "rent a friend" session, needless to say, I missed the hard work (not really, I just think I needed to process some things and I totally danced around the issue.)  It is not easy to share very intimate personal issues.