Life has been so hard.  I have been working so hard in therapy.   My husband and I have started with exposure therapy.  It is the hardest thing I have done.  To be honest, being intimate scares the living daylights out of me.  It's not that I don't love my husband.  The flashbacks are terrifying.  I can't believe how much they overcome me.  Sometimes after a flashback it takes days to recover.  My Dr has started me on a new medication.  I sat in the Dr's office and cried.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I have been working part time for a while now.  The budget SUCKS.  Recently we met with the Bishop and looked over the budget.  The only way we will get ahead is if I work full time.  Right now I just can't do that.  There are days where it is so hard to hold it all together.  I break down and cry probably once a day.  My emotions are very overwhelming.  Do you know I even cried in the aisle of the feminine hygiene aisle because I knew what I needed to do?  It was awful. 

I love my husband, this has taken a lot out of us.  My kids are great kids but they are tired too.  Some days they get angry when I have therapy.  Then they get angry when I give up.  I am tired all the time.  My new medication does not make it easy for me to sleep.  A couple days ago I couldn't sleep and so I got up and went for my walk.  It was 5:00.  I thought that lots of people would be out exercising.  Well, come to find out they aren't.  So, there I was in the dark by myself and I was FREAKED OUT!  Every bush looked like a person, every little noise made my heart jump.  I even looked at my cell phone and found that at one point on my walk I walked a 7.30 minute mile (that is how freaked out I was!!!!).  About a year ago I made a deal with my therapist that I would not go walking before 6:00 because I was going like at 4:00 or 4:30 and it was not safe for me to do that.  Well I rationalized big time because since I made the deal with my old therapist I felt that it didn't apply.  So needless to say, I am going to make the same deal again with my new therapist because it was not a good experience for me and it again, it took days for me to recover.

My therapist is hard.  I do appreciate how hard he works for me.  I keep telling me that he owes me a "rent a friend" even for 10 minutes.  Last week, we had a "rent a friend" session, needless to say, I missed the hard work (not really, I just think I needed to process some things and I totally danced around the issue.)  It is not easy to share very intimate personal issues.