It has been a very long time since I have written.  I am still on my journey to find out who I am.  It is not an easy journey.  I told my Bishop that I was done doing hard.  He keeps reminding me of that statement :) .

When I met with my Bishop a few weeks ago, he is a therapist for the VA.  He definitely keeps me thinking.  During one of our visits he asked me about therapy.  He advised me that many times his clients with PTSD isolate to avoid triggers.  This was after I told him how much I liked my alone time.  He then asked me to think of the times I isolate and look at what I am feeling, and why I isolate.  I am not going to lie, he triggered me into another situation that I did not feel safe.  I read later on that often times a therapist can trigger you into a flashback as you work thru your triggers.  To be honest, it made me mad because I realized that I have been avoiding my triggers.  I have a good reason for avoiding them, just like everyone else.  They suck, and they hurt, and they don't go away.  You have to live with them, and that sucks too.  Then when you are triggered, you have to think, OK what am I going to do with this right here and now.  If you are in a safe place, you just let it happen.  That is not an awesome experience because mine still feel as though they are happening to me all over again.  If you are not in a safe place, then you pretty much put it in a "box" in your head until you can open it.  You can't just box it up forever, you have to go thru it.  It is really one of the hardest things I have EVER done.  There is nothing that I can say that could explain what I feel.  I have lived my life for 30 years with this being hidden so deep.  In my mind, I changed every situation and made a beautiful life. 

I struggled for over 20 years with my brother.  When I moved out of the house, I did not look back.  He lived his life, and I lived mine.  After my sister passed away and I watched him at her casket, my heart ached for him.  He was almost like a "mother hen with her chick", he didn't leave her side the entire night.   Within 15 months of her passing, he was gone.  When I would listen to the radio on Sunday, there was a song that would play on the radio.  It talked about no empty chairs around the table.  My heart ached for the family that I had idealized.  I longed for me and my siblings around the table again.  (and it's not like we had an awesome time at the dinner table, but we were adults now so in my ideal world it was!) 

My therapist is an intern.  She is graduating and moving on.  I am very proud of her.  But, with her moving on, that meant that I had some choices to make.  The first one, was whether I was going to continue therapy or if I was done.  Unfortunately, for me, I am still not where I want to be with my self image.  There are many things that I still struggle with.  (My therapist referred to me as a hamster on a wheel, she often asks "how is that working for you?")  The next question was if I was going to continue, then do I start over with a brand new therapist and tell my story all over again?  To be honest, there was no question what I wanted to do in this situation.  But, so many times, I know the desires of my heart, but is it what my Heavenly Father desires for me.  My desire was to go to my first therapist from LDS Family.  Last General Conference there was a little segment on LDS Family and their role in the church.  The segment talked about their 12 step program.  It is an awesome program, but it is a short term solution.  So, I asked this therapist if he would see me in his private practice.  He graciously accepted. 

We have put marriage therapy on hold for a time while both of us work in individual therapy .  I have a lot of hard work ahead of me.  I have confidence in my therapist, and I have confidence in my decision.  Now, the question is do I have confidence in myself?  My boss tells me that when he asks me what will make me happy my answer hasn't changed " I have a lot of things to fix."  Now, I prefer not to give a lot of information to my boss because he has used many of my statements against me as the above statement is a prime example.  Where I am going in therapy is really not any business of my boss.  What happens in therapy is for me.