I have been having some really rough individual therapy sessions.  I personally feel that we have uncovered an awful lot and it's almost like peeling an onion.  (Anyone who knows me, knows I hate onions!) and so, we are starting to get to the core of my onion.  When working with an onion, one doesn't really start to cry until you get into the 'core' of the onion.  I admit, I have cried even peeling the outer layer, but this inner core, sucks!   My therapist reminds me that her job is supposed to make me think and work thru all the hard things.  She tells me that she is doing her job and that I wouldn't want a 'rent a friend' in a therapist.  I however, would really like to have one week where I 'rent a friend'.  We laugh about it all the time because this really is hard work.  When you first start therapy you have people tell you all the time that you are doing hard work.  You know you are doing hard work, but no one sees how hard you are working from the outside.  When you exercise, and you start seeing your body change, your hard work becomes evident. 

I admit, I am worn out, most of the time.  Therapy is the hardest thing I have done.  I am finding out so much about myself.  To be honest, I have asked myself a couple times this week, how does anyone live with me and survive?  I worry about what I am doing to my children.  I only pray that as I work thru my issues that they will come out good people.  I really thought I was being a good mom.  As I find out more about myself, I wonder if I have put so much pressure on my girls.  I read about some of my personality traits.  I read about some of the characteristics of one that has been abused.  I have a lot of them.  It really does make me wonder how my kids will turn out.  I don't even know how I will turn out but my dreams have been more about my children. 

I have met with our new Bishop a couple times.  He is an amazing man.  I have been reminded a couple times by my therapist that I struggle with letting people in and trusting.  I admit, I do struggle, which then means that I don't let a lot of people help either.  (nice!)  My prior Bishop was also amazing, and he has been with me every step of the way.  So many times, you don't want to let people in because you don't want to change their 'perception' of you.  With my last visit with the new Bishop, we talked and as gentle as he could he said he understood my feelings, and then said that he would be grateful to help me if that is what I decide to do.  So many times, I feel like I am a burden to a lot of people.  I have read a lot and so many times people like myself can be manipulative.  I have thought about that statement and I pray that I do not come across manipulative to anyone, that is not something that I have ever wanted to do.  I pray for forgiveness from anyone that may feel as though I have manipulated them. 

I have been reading about compassionate service and genuine compassionate service.  There is a difference, and so often one with some of the character traits that I possess will serve others for 'self gratification'.  I know that I have learned the difference between compassionate service and genuine compassionate service.  I am grateful for my experiences to serve.