I'm not going to lie, I think that writing on my other blog about the Savior is easier than sharing my emotions and deepest feelings on this blog.  I met with my new Bishop.  He is a therapist.  You can definitely tell he is a therapist.  He asked some tough questions and makes me go "crap, that sucks".  I have had a lot of moments like that this week as I have thought about my meeting with the Bishop, and then my individual therapy session.  My last couple individual sessions have been really rough for some reason.  Sometimes, they are so overwhelming that it takes me days to get out of the crap that I had come up in session.  I still really struggle with physical touch.  Sometimes after a rough session, I can't even stand my children touching me.  That is rough on my entire family.  I will admit, I sometimes get a very flippant attitude from my husband.  There have been times where he has said to me "a man should be able to touch his wife."  There are so many times where I have to remind him, that my body is mine, not his, and I way what happens with my body.  I am sorry this is so hard for my family. This is hard for me.  Today in marriage therapy, the marriage therapist even asked me if the "hottest man" was in the room with me what would I do?  That is so easy, I would walk out.  There was even a point in our session where I had to say "I can't do this any faster".  Of course she then told me that noone asked me to go faster, but yet, I know my husband.  Both of us are struggling wth this right now.  It sucks that we even have to deal with this, but "it is what it is." 

My good friend is going in for breast cancer surgery tomorrow.  I have to admit, I was reminded of my surgery to remove my thyroid.  All of the emotions came back.  The emotions of me, and my family.  It is a hard thing.  One thing that I love to do for myself is a pedicure.  So, I admit, I saved some of my Christmas bonus.  When I remembered the days following my surgery, I felt like crap, and you become so overwhelmed with "medical jargon".  The Dr's talk to you and you almost look at their lips moving, but yet you don't even comprehend what they are saying.  I thought of this sweet friend and wondered what I could do to help her.  One point, a woman in the ward asked me why I would do a pedicure in the winter because no one sees your toes.  I then thought of how I feel when I don't feel pretty, even in my pajamas, I can look down at my painted toes, and I can feel pretty.  So, today, my friend and I found a quiet salon and we had pedicures.  She got a cheery melon color with the cheeriest flowers imaginable.  We talked, we cried, and we even got done early enough that we were able to go for a ride and chat.  It was an awesome afternoon, and hopefuly, in the next few days, she can look down at her toes and remember how beautiful she really is!