Lots going on in my head right now.  It has been a couple weeks since I last posted.  There are many reasons for this, but the biggest, is we have had a change in Bishop's.  I meet with the new Bishop tomorrow.  Before the old Bishop left his calling, we sat down and he asked me what I would be comfortable with him sharing with the new Bishop.  We didn't know who the new Bishop would be and so  I had to really reflect on the calling, and not on the person.  There are many wonderful men in the ward but not an easy thing to share with a lot of people.  I am so grateful that the prior Bishop would take the time to sit with me and help me prepare emotionally for this change.  There have been many sacred experiences that have been given to only me in regards to this new Bishop.  Feelings, and impressions, that  have been only shown to me.  (I have not shared them with anyone.)  I teach Sunday School and we talked about Tender Mercies-gifts meant specifically for you from your Heavenly Father.  I have been shown many Tender Mercies and it stirs the emotions to even think about them. 

Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel for my prior Bishop.  I truly love this man, and his sweet wife.  He has helped me truly understand that I do have a ward family.  We talk about Forever Families in our church.  I am now certain that the relationships that we gain, even in our Ward Families, can be forever as well.  He truly was a Brother that helped me thru a very dark time in my life.  When we met for the last time, he told me how far I had come, and I agree, I have come very far, but I am still not thru the trees.  (We both admitted that!)  This is really hard!  It doesn't go away.  It has to become a part of me.  I worked so hard to form the "perfect me".  The sad thing is, it wasn't what the Lord wanted for me.  You know, many relate this to a scar, that though the wound is deep, it will heal.  I have a scar on my thumb that has been there since I was in the 5th grade.  I know it is there.  I look at it from time to time, it doesn't bother me (ok sometimes it does :) ) but I know it is there and I go on with life.  I formed this "perfect life" around avoiding the scar of abuse.  It almost makes me angry that I have to know it is there.  I am almost in shock that I have had this scar for 30+ years, but just even learned about it 1 1/2 years ago.  It is almost as though this "gaping wound" opened up after 30 years of being closed over. 

I was reminded over the weekend by a friend that the new Bishop's call was all part of the "Lord's Plan".  I will admit, I was a little angry over that statement, because all of this has been the "Lord's Plan."  Everything I have done has been the "Lord's Plan."  That even though I struggle in my marriage, I can't deny the overwhelming confirmation I was to marry my husband.  My first flashback, was an answer to a prayer, truly the "Lord's Plan."  There has been too much that has gone on in my life that  I cannot deny that the Lord has a plan for me.  Now, there is also a scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about the Natural Man, and I certainly fit this category, because one of my key traits, is that I struggle with being "willing to submit" to all that is inflicted on me.  But, the Lord knows this about me as well, and he PATIENTLY teaches me.  He has given me many blessings along my path, and for that I am truly grateful.