Yesterday proved to be a very exhausting mental day for me.  I had my session with Jade.  We opened up talking about identifying my feelings and then acknowledging them.  He said that feelings are were liking a screaming toddler.  The more you ignore them, the longer and worse they persist.  I have thought about this a lot, it makes sense to me except for one thing.  I don't know how to identify my emotions.

We talked about me finding my purpose in life.  He stated that if I could find my purpose then my adversity would have meaning.  I will be honest, I have thought about my purpose ever since my session.  As I have reflected on it, the thought has been for my purpose to "proclaim the Gospel."  Now, that can be used in many different forms.  I could be proclaiming to my family, I could be proclaiming to my neighbors just by serving them.  I also can share my story so that others that have been sexually abused can know that they are not alone, that they can know that it is completely normal to question God, that it's perfectly normal to have flashbacks even after 3 years of therapy, and that it's perfectly normal to cry and know that they are loved.  I can also proclaim the Gospel by sharing my testimony.  I am still working on my testimony and it isn't what it used to be, but it is growing, and that is what matters.  I am still sad that my testimony isn't what it used to be. 

I'm not going to lie, this year has been a hard one.  I have continued having therapy with Jade and that tends to be difficult.  He really makes me work hard.  I started on some new medication that makes my hands shake.  I can't stand it.  I have to ask myself is it worth not having the suicidal thoughts over the shaking hands.  I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.  You girls need to know that I am living because of you.  Thank you for giving my life purpose.