I started writing on my family blog this morning my thoughts and realized that I think I want it a little more private than everyone knowing my name. So, I know the people that read this that know my name and it's OK for them to know my thoughts.
My thoughts today have been about my testimony. I have been reading Alma 5 for my Sunday School lesson. The question that he asks is Have you? He asks this several times and it is a chapter on conversion.
I have been reading back posts on my family blog and I have often said that the one thing that I struggle with the very most is how this trial is reshaping my testimony. I am not sure I like how it is coming out. I read my back posts and I was so certain of the Gospel. I have thought about my testimony before this trial. I have even joked that there are 80 year olds that die with the testimony that I had and they obtain celestial glory with that knowledge and it was enough.
I think back on when I truly did think to myself that I did not have to worry about my heart failing me because I thought my testimony was sooooo strong. Well, I totally opened my heart to Satan with that comment. The sad thing is, if my testimony was not enough to carry me thru the last days, then that tells me that there are many that aren't strong enough. I didn't consider me one of the "elect" that The Book of Mormon tells of. I am little old me, just trying to live my life as well as I can. Sure, I want to be able to kneel at the Savior's feet and to actually KNOW him. Maybe my expectations of myself are higher than another's but that is who I am.
So many times I have thought if it was only ME then I would probably take a break from my religion until I really had some answers. I am not going to lie, there are some Sundays where I would really like to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head. But, I am a Mother. A Mother of 4 beautiful daughters that need to know about the Gospel. I probably could have taught them better in our home. And to be honest, I KNOW that if I stop going, I will lose my 4 daughters to the way of the world. I would rather lose my children to death then to lose them to Satan.
I don't know how this life is going to end up. I do know that I was promised an Eternal Family if I live righteously. I don't know who this Eternal Family will consist of but I have to fight for my little ones.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I have not posted in a long time as I have been dealing with emotions and daily life.
I ended up in the Instacare on the Sunday before Memorial Day as I woke up with a major skin infection. I was totally thinking that I would walk in to IHC and be handed a prescription for antibiotics. I was so wrong. I didn't want to wake anyone and was supposed to be at choir practice so everyone thought that I was at church. I put on my walking clothes and walked to IHC. I got in there and the Dr proceeded to tell me that she needed to drain the infection and put me on antibiotics. So, she did cut in to the infection and then had to put a drain in it that I would leave in for 24 hours. I left with the prescription but also with a 2" drain to keep my wound open. It was a lovely experience. It continued to drain for 5 days. I went back in on Friday and was advised that I am a carrier of MRSA which is the antibiotic resistant skin infection. They knew this because they ran a culture and I am very resistant to most Penicillin medications. I have to admit it was pretty stressful to hear that as I have a nephew who has open wounds most of his life due to his genetic skin disorder EB. No worries though, because I am already a social outcast with that family!
Work is still very stressful. My boss has hired a new woman in the office. She is very nice. The entire office including the new woman leaves early on Monday's, but no worries, I am supposed to be "flexible".
I have had many questions answered as I go thru therapy. Answers that I never wish I would have received. We watched The Vow this weekend. At one point the actress that has been in a car accident comes home to try and recover her memory. Her friends decide that they are going to throw a surprise party. When she walks in she is completely overwhelmed because she has now been thrown into a room of people that she is supposed to remember but doesn't. Her husband clears the home of the guests and she gets angry because she can't remember. To be honest, that was a huge eye opening movie for me. Because I do remember the most recent, but I don't remember the past, so when something does come up I too become overwhelmed. This last weekend I had some memories that I kept asking "why do I know that?" My family was very secretive, especially my parents. There are things that I know that I shouldn't know. Things that I wouldn't know. Except, they are things that I do know-answers to questions that I wish never would have needed to be asked.
I ended up in the Instacare on the Sunday before Memorial Day as I woke up with a major skin infection. I was totally thinking that I would walk in to IHC and be handed a prescription for antibiotics. I was so wrong. I didn't want to wake anyone and was supposed to be at choir practice so everyone thought that I was at church. I put on my walking clothes and walked to IHC. I got in there and the Dr proceeded to tell me that she needed to drain the infection and put me on antibiotics. So, she did cut in to the infection and then had to put a drain in it that I would leave in for 24 hours. I left with the prescription but also with a 2" drain to keep my wound open. It was a lovely experience. It continued to drain for 5 days. I went back in on Friday and was advised that I am a carrier of MRSA which is the antibiotic resistant skin infection. They knew this because they ran a culture and I am very resistant to most Penicillin medications. I have to admit it was pretty stressful to hear that as I have a nephew who has open wounds most of his life due to his genetic skin disorder EB. No worries though, because I am already a social outcast with that family!
Work is still very stressful. My boss has hired a new woman in the office. She is very nice. The entire office including the new woman leaves early on Monday's, but no worries, I am supposed to be "flexible".
I have had many questions answered as I go thru therapy. Answers that I never wish I would have received. We watched The Vow this weekend. At one point the actress that has been in a car accident comes home to try and recover her memory. Her friends decide that they are going to throw a surprise party. When she walks in she is completely overwhelmed because she has now been thrown into a room of people that she is supposed to remember but doesn't. Her husband clears the home of the guests and she gets angry because she can't remember. To be honest, that was a huge eye opening movie for me. Because I do remember the most recent, but I don't remember the past, so when something does come up I too become overwhelmed. This last weekend I had some memories that I kept asking "why do I know that?" My family was very secretive, especially my parents. There are things that I know that I shouldn't know. Things that I wouldn't know. Except, they are things that I do know-answers to questions that I wish never would have needed to be asked.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)