I started writing on my family blog this morning my thoughts and realized that I think I want it a little more private than everyone knowing my name.  So, I know the people that read this that know my name and it's OK for them to know my thoughts.

My thoughts today have been about my testimony.  I have been reading Alma 5 for my Sunday School lesson.  The question that he asks is Have you?  He asks this several times and it is a chapter on conversion.

I have been reading back posts on my family blog and I have often said that the one thing that I struggle with the very most is how this trial is reshaping my testimony.  I am not sure I like how it is coming out.  I read my back posts and I was so certain of the Gospel.  I have thought about my testimony before this trial.  I have even joked that there are 80 year olds that die with the testimony that I had and they obtain celestial glory with that knowledge and it was enough. 

I think back on when I truly did think to myself that I did not have to worry about my heart failing me because I thought my testimony was sooooo strong.  Well, I totally opened my heart to Satan with that comment.  The sad thing is, if my testimony was not enough to carry me thru the last days, then that tells me that there are many that aren't strong enough.  I didn't consider me one of the "elect" that The Book of Mormon tells of.  I am little old me, just trying to live my life as well as I can.  Sure, I want to be able to kneel at the Savior's feet and to actually KNOW him.  Maybe my expectations of myself are higher than another's but that is who I am.

So many times I have thought if it was only ME then I would probably take a break from my religion until I really had some answers.  I am not going to lie, there are some Sundays where I would really like to crawl back in bed and put the covers over my head.  But, I am a Mother.  A Mother of 4 beautiful daughters that need to know about the Gospel.  I probably could have taught them better in our home.  And to be honest, I KNOW that if I stop going, I will lose my 4 daughters to the way of the world.  I would rather lose my children to death then to lose them to Satan. 

I don't know how this life is going to end up.  I do know that I was promised an Eternal Family if I live righteously.  I don't know who this Eternal Family will consist of but I have to fight for my little ones.