To be honest, my head is spinning.  I have so much going on in my head.  I realize that this probably is not one of the safest places to put my memories but I am to the point that I don't really care.  I don't need opinions, or judgements, just a place to get it out. 

My marriage is not going the greatest right now.  My husband tends to think that he has a lot of stress.  Maybe to him , he does.  But, the stress in my life is mounting on top of each other.  Right now, I am being asked to commit to a lot of things, my job, my marriage, myself.  I really hate the word commit right now because I don't know how to do it.  On Saturday, I met with one of my therapists.  She asked me to discuss my marriage with my husband.  I did.  I am just going to say, that is the first time I have actually thought to myself that I was "damaged goods".  Is it my fault that I didn't know about this abuse before I married him?  He questions our Eternal Marriage yeah, well, so do I! 

I have been told that because I cannot be intimate with my husband right now that my brother won!  Wow, I didn't know that sex with me was a prize.  Not only do I have to deal with my anger towards being abused by my brother, but I have to deal with the anger of my husband towards my brother, and then deal with the anger towards me.  My husband was quite angry when I advised him that knowing I was sexually abused answers so much for me in regards to sex.  It has never really been an enjoyment for me.  When we first got married, I would have had my marriage annulled after my honeymoon if I had known, because sex was awful for me.  It took years to actually tolerate it.  Of course that hurt him because he thought our sex life was great!  We have never really talked about it. 

When I talked with my therapist she indicated that sex for women is emotional.  It made complete sense to me.  My husband hates that when we have had sex since my first flashback he feels that it ends up going back to my brother.  Is it my fault that it has thrown me in to flashbacks?  I have tried to overcome it and used mindfulness techniques to stay in the moment and not to dissociate.  I have ended up with horrific headaches because it was so much work.  My husband then takes it personally and the vicious cycle repeats itself.  My husband comes up from behind me and touches me without warning, and I want to jump out of my skin.  A couple times he has come up and kissed my neck, just feeling his breath on my neck makes me jump.  He will reach over and touch my leg and again, I go right back.  Is it my fault that this can't happen for him right now? 

My husband on Saturday stated that he felt that I was my brother's possession and that he took that away from him by marrying me, so to get back at my husband my brother is taking away our sex life.  Nice, no pressure right? 

I have had some issues with my trauma therapy and so I have stepped back from that for now.  I don't know what I am going to do.  So much of me wants to walk away from all of it.  To run and hide and never be found.  My kids keep me going.  Hopefully one day they will understand all of this.  Hopefully, one day we all will understand all of this. 

On Sunday, I went to Relief Society.  The Relief Society president taught the lesson "you know enough" by Elder Anderson.  She said a comment that has gone thru my head at least 1000 times since and that is "If you know that you are a Child of God, then you know enough".  Boy, then I must not know anything because right now that is so far out of my understanding.