So, I am completely in my emotional mind.  I don't know how to get out.  I have a lot of issues and thoughts racing thru my head.  I have not slept in the same room with my husband in almost 2 weeks.  He is struggling to get into good graces with me.  He asks me if he scares me.  Are you kidding?  I am afraid to get close again, I don't want my heart hurt again.  I don't want to hurt my children again. 

I know that I need to have some marriage therapy to fix our marriage.  So, I called LDS Family Services to help with that.  I have to tell 3 secretaries my story of being sent away from LDS Family Services to even be told that they will have to go to management to see if they can schedule me in.  I have to admit, that has caused a lot of emotion for me again.  I don't think I am OK with what they did by sending me away the first time.  The thoughts of walking back in to their offices makes my stomach churn and my head hurt.  I still don't have an appointment because the secretary that did finally get with management had gone for the day.  I don't know if I can do it.  It almost seems easier to sleep in my kids room for a little while longer.  I am not going to lie, I am still very hurt by what happened.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, but with this situation, I am not seeing it.  To go thru two therapists and still not be done with the healing causes new wounds.  Once again I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. 

My Bishop has always been one of my safe people.  I also find that I overwhelm him very easily. I feel I have told him way too much.  I struggle with the fact that he knows so much about me that I tend to shy away from him.  I need to pay my tithing but the thought of going up to him and handing him my tithing is freaking me out a little.  I find in the chapel during Sacrament meeting that I choose to hide behind people so he doesn't see me. The day that I had my first flashback I did not know who else to turn to so it was to my Bishop. 

Next week is our last group session.  I have met some amazing people.  I have not opened up to this group very much and allowed them to help me like I should.  Yesterday, it was obvious when one of the ladies started asking some deep questions wanting me to open up.  The therapist could see that I was feeling a little uncomfortable and diverted the situation.  I missed process group and I didn't feel like it was an appropriate place for me to process everything that has been going on around me this week. 

All of this sucks.  I cry a lot.  I have a lot to work thru and often I am overwhelmed by myself.