Today is Sunday.  Today is supposed to be a day of rest.  My mind hasn't rested in a long time.  To be honest, last night I even looked for something to help me sleep, I couldn't find anything, so I just went to bed.  I don't sleep much.  I am even starting to look old and tired.  I haven't slept well in a very long time. 

Yesterday, I went for my weekly walk to the Bountiful Temple.  It is a hard walk, but I have it down to where I don't even need to stop and take a breather going up the hill.  The mountain breeze is so beautiful.  I love feeling that wind.  I love listening to the quaking aspen, and I love to look for deer.  I love to hear the rushing of the water.  I have seen a lot of ugly bugs, and snakes.  Yesterday, for the first time I saw an empty Vodka bottle on my walk, evidently I am not the only one that goes to the mountains to get away!  (Don't worry, I haven't taken up drinking, but I will not lie, I have been tempted!  I have found that just by breathing I can make myself just as numb as drinking does!)  I really do have to figure out the back trails.  I do have a fear of getting lost, again another truth about me, there have been times where I have thought that getting lost would be a good thing!

I was reading my scriptures, in preparation for my Sunday School lesson.  Last week, I prepared a lesson and ended up with no students.  So, what is my purpose as a Sunday School teacher if no one comes?  As I read the scriptures, I struggled internally with myself.  I read of Ammon "I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength, I can do all things".  I have been told I am in "survival mode".  So, how do I get out?  How do I become like Ammon, where I have the faith that I can say "I can do all things?"  How do I teach a bunch of teenagers when I can't teach myself?  I asked the Bishop if I could be released?  I haven't gotten a reply.  I know it is the Lord that releases me, but I am so not sure I can do this. 

I was on my walk earlier this week, and a member of the Relief Society presidency stopped me and asked if I was OK because last week during the lesson, I looked sad.  I sat by myself, and I sat in silence last week.  The lesson was on sharing the gospel.  You hear people say that they shy away from it.  When it happens it just happens.  The spirit does guide you to share your testimony when the time is right.  I know, because I have felt it.  The thing they don't tell you, is that you need to be so prepared for the fact that yes, there may be a time where you will be rejected.  I was not prepared.  I am still not prepared.  I still can't believe how deep those wounds are for me. 

Yesterday in therapy, I talked to my therapist about some emotions that I had been having over the week as I read about sexual abuse.  Now, granted I am still very shocked that there is not any LDS books about sexual abuse in print at this time.  Because, yes, it does happen in strong LDS homes.  We didn't have alcohol in our home, or tobacco (well, at least it wasn't purchased by my parents, my siblings are another story!).  We read daily scriptures, we said daily family prayers, but it still happens.  We talked about some of my emotions such as anger, fear, and love.  She kept coming back to shame.  I didn't understand what she was saying, I thought I was still dealing with anger.  But, as I said before, therapy doesn't end when you walk out of the office (which sucks!), and I think I get what she was trying to say.  I don't understand it, I still have to do some thinking, pondering, and research, but I think she was trying to get me to think about the shame that I am carrying (again, sucks!).  I am having another damn it moment in my life.