This last week I have struggled with another topic that we as an LDS community don't like to talk about and that is suicide.  Last Sunday, a young man in our neighboring ward took his life leaving behind a wife and 4 children.  He was 35 years old.  Our home teacher yesterday brought a copy of the program from the service.  He talked about choices and temple covenants.  As he passed around that program to my children, I knew that the wheels in my 12 year olds head was turning.  Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, she asked why someone would take their life.  I told her that sometimes life was hard for people and they don't know how else to help themselves.  That wasn't enough of an answer for her.  I don't know if I did the right thing but I told her that there was a point where I had thought about it.  We were able to talk about therapy and how it has helped me.  She was concerned that this young man didn't get the help that he needed.  I had to tell her that therapy isn't easy and sometimes it hurts more than it helps.  We talked a lot about therapy so that she could understand that  I wasn't going to therapy for a social hour.  Therapy is really hard stuff.  I think that it helped for me to talk openly with her but then I question if she will constantly be concerned that I would take my own life. 

I am not going to lie, I have thought about it.  I have thought a lot about it this week as I have watched a Ward family, a neighborhood, a community, mourn the loss of this young man.  In our religion we often sing a hymn, and one of the lines to this particular hymn states "in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eyes can't see".  In our eyes, this young man had it all together, he had an amazing job, family, home, testimony, etc.  In the Lord's eyes, there was a young man hurting.  No one, not even his wife, saw the pain that he was carrying.  Going thru my trial, it is very easy for me to understand.  I think that is why my heart hurts so bad because I understand.  I never thought I would.  I have learned a lot about choices, but I have also learned a lot about forgiveness.  Don't get me wrong, I have to work thru my forgiveness on a lot of levels.  But, I know that many in the LDS faith may think that this young man could never be forgiven for taking his life.  But, I know without a doubt that the Lord probably has the best therapists working with this young man on the other side.  He will be forgiven.  It will be hard for his family, many hearts will need to be mended.  But, the Lord can heal, and he will.

Yesterday, we had a lesson on self reliance.  We talked about the usual, get your food storage in order, etc.  Our past Bishop was the concluding speaker, and he talked about spiritual preparedness.  Right  now, I am in the middle of my storm.  I thought that I had enough "spiritual food storage" to see me thru anything.  I was so wrong.  My "spiritual food storage" is pretty much depleted and I don't have a whole lot left to live on, and my storm is not over. 

I scheduled an appointment with LDS Family for marriage therapy.  We are supposed to go tomorrow.  I have thought about nothing else in the last week and a half since I scheduled the appointment.  I don't think I can do it.  After I was sent away from LDS Family I felt that I didn't fit into their realm.  They really concentrate on addiction recovery.  Well, I have some addictions, but the pain from sexual abuse, far out weighs my addictions.  I could not even do the first step to their addiction recovery program because it is "trust in the Lord", and I struggle to trust at all.  Our church's primary focus is on the family.  We believe that families are forever.  I get that my marriage is important.  I get that I made temple covenants to both my husband and the Lord.  In The Doctrine and Covenants there is a scripture that  states  "And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!"

The question that I have is this, what if I am that one soul?  Right now, I am trying to save myself.  There is not enough in my "spiritual food storage" to save myself, my marriage, my children. 

I will be honest, after I was sent away from LDS Family, it was hard for me to separate them from the LDS Church.  I was really hurt.  I felt like LDS Family was telling me that I should have been able to handle all of the crap that I have been dealt with, and I should have been able to do it in 30 sessions.  I should have been able to forgive and move on.  I have found that it will probably take my lifetime, and realistically, it will take some of Eternity to really complete the healing process when I will see my brother again.  When we meet again, we are definitely going to need to sit down and have a chat but this time it will be on my terms. 

My Bishop asked if before I went into LDS Family if I would be determined to save my marriage.  My first therapist with LDS Family said to me in my session several months ago "divorce is not an option."  I cry myself to sleep every night as I try to sort thru my thoughts.  My 9 year old asked last night why I was still sleeping in her room.  My 12 year old, in all her wisdom turned to her and said "it's either that or she sleeps somewhere else while she and dad work things out."  I have great kids.