How should an LDS man treat his wife?  I have "googled" that question probably 10 times in the last 2 days as I work to figure out what I want in a marriage.  My husband is trying hard and I have to commend him for his efforts.  I am scared.  I cry a lot.  I haven't slept in my bed for days as I search for what it is that I really want.  I am afraid to write my list.  The last thing my husband said to my children before he left our home on Sunday is "nothing I will ever do, will be good enough for her."  So, now as I think of my list, I worry.  I worry about being "greedy", or "selfish".  Have I been "high maintenance"?  I don't think so, but that "maintenance" has been from me, providing it for myself. 

As I said in my post yesterday.  A wife should be her husband's "first".  His "first priority", the first person he thinks of.  The first thing he thinks of.  Trust me when I say, I have been doing a lot of reading.  "Man is nothing" without his wife in the church.  I have never been "first" in anything.  I remember when we were dating my husband had been doing a lot of sports, playing, coaching, etc.  He turned to me one night and said to me "this is who I am, you can't change that."  He's right, I can't change him.  I can only change me.  I was OK for so long with the way he was. 

One of the questions that my therapist asked of me was "what made me fall in love with my husband?"  I have never completed that homework assignment.  I must admit, in the last 5 days, I have asked myself that question probably a thousand times. 

Even at the age of 19, I knew I was supposed to marry him.  I remember when it hit me that I was going to marry him.  I knew before he even knew.  I was scared.  I wanted so much out of life.  I remember writing in Young Women's what I wanted in a husband.  Good looking, loving, loved children, priesthood holder etc.  Remember, I was young, had no idea what was ahead of me, had never paid a bill before in my life, I didn't know anything about budgeting, I had a part time job and went to school.  I thought that was what people did.  Then we got engaged.  We struggled to find a ring, I didn't want to go into debt for a ring.  Needless to say, I didn't know he didn't have money then.  Time for the Temple Recommend, I didn't know he hadn't paid tithing.  I over looked it.  We finally make it to the Temple.  Even when we scheduled the ceremony, we had to have the last appointment because he was not going to wake up at 5:30 to get married.  I again, over looked it.  Our honeymoon, the keys to the room were switched and we walked in to a room with the TV on, the bed turned down, towels all over the floor, "you stay here, I will go and see what's going on".  OK, I did, it was totally someone else's room we walked into.  One week into marriage, our car was repossessed, the day after we return from our honeymoon with the in-laws.  I have never been his "first".  I didn't have a choice, we needed money to survive.  I worked two jobs until I got pregnant with our first.

Were all of those experiences "red flags"?  Was someone trying to tell me something, and I didn't listen?  I realize that I have not been the perfect wife for him.  I know that I have gotten upset with him and probably "belittled" him.  I have called him an "ass" a couple times when I have gotten to the end of my rope.  I also understand that my abuse has put a wedge in between us when it comes to the intimacy in our marriage.  I am trying.  I am trying so hard to understand.  I know it sucks for him that he can't touch me.  But, please be understanding, don't be angry with me. 

Again, I ask, how is an LDS man supposed to treat his wife?  Who teaches them this?  Do they learn from their parents?  Is the wife supposed to teach him?  I was told to marry a man that respected his mother.  I thought I did that.  Did she demand it and because I didn't he doesn't have to respect me?    I thought it was just a given that a husband would respect his wife.  We have not been a partnership ever.  That is hard to comprehend for me.  As I said in front of the Bishop 3 weeks ago, I have given my all to this family.  I have sacrificed my time, I even sacrificed my life so that I could give birth to our last daughter.  I have given EVERYTHING to this family.