So many things have happened since I last wrote.  Some things I need to remember but would rather forget. 

Last week, one of my friends, gave the most precious gift that one could ever give a loved one.  It was the gift of "letting go".  She allowed her Mother to leave this Earth.  All the hurt and pain that goes with it, she gave her that precious gift of going back to live with our Heavenly Father.  As a friend, I felt every ache and pain that she went thru as she struggled to make that decision with her family.  It also brought up all the pains of when I with my family had to make that difficult decision for my Sister.  My friend, one night told me how hard it was to watch her father break down, and honestly, it was as if I was living that moment all over again, when I saw my own father break down.  As a child  you feel completely helpless.  You want to take away that pain but you can't so you just watch it happen. 

On Friday, I received a "text" from one of my therapists advising me that they did not "feel good about continuing" to see me.  I have thought really, who fails therapy twice?  I have wondered what I did wrong, what could I have done differently? 

On Sunday, I snapped.  I read the Ensign "Husbands and wives should understand that their first calling-from which they will never be released-is to one another and then to their children".  Sadly, I talked with my husband about how I have never been his "first".  There were some painful words spoken and I asked him to leave.  We broke it to our children.  Right now things in our marriage are not OK.  The girls cried.  It was very hard to be a part of.  All the thoughts go thru your mind-What have I done?  How did I let it go this long?  So much of me wanted to say "never mind", but it is not OK.  And after having watched the pain that I put my children thru, I could not do it again.  Sunday night, my husband walked out the door and spent the night with his parents.

Monday morning, he came back home.  Supposedly a changed person.  But, I changed too. As he sat in front of me and asked for a second chance, all of the feelings of "resentment" came to the surface for me.  I asked him, if someone had killed one of our children, would you think after 1 night of soul searching that you could say OK?  Knowing you were never getting that child back?  In a way, he has done that to me 4 times as he has been in our home day in and day out with our daughters, all 4 of them while I worked.  I will never know what it was like to be here for our little ones as they made their tents in their bedroom, played with their dolls, legos, etc.  My baby starts school this year and I will never have that back.  I don't want to resent, I don't want to be hurt, or angry.  I want to be OK with where I am and what I have gone thru.  But, all of this doesn't happen for me in one night.  So, he may be in our home but I have slept in the girls room or on the floor ever since.  I don't want to confuse my children by making think that because Daddy went and applied for a job that Mommy is OK, because I'm not.   Not Yet! 

I talked on Monday night with the only therapist I haven't burned out.  We talked about being dropped by my other therapist and then we went right into what I wanted in my marriage.  We realized that my husband might be confused with what I really "want" in my marriage.  I am confused.  I am unsure of my own "wants" and "needs".  I feel selfish or greedy when I ask things of him.  Again, a want or a need?  I don't know how a woman should be treated in a marriage because this is all I know. 

On Monday as we talked I pointed out some areas where even within the first week of our marriage there was turmoil.  His reply was that he "was young."  No, he was 30, he should have been the more mature one, I was the "young" one.  In reality, it doesn't matter who was the young one.  We both made covenants, to each other, and to our Father in Heaven.  We have both fallen short in that area.  I don't know what the future holds for me and for my girls, and I don't know where I stand with my husband.