Monday, July 16, 2012

I have been doing a lot of reading.  I went to the library and asked for help in finding books about sexual abuse.  It took a lot of courage to do that because I needed help looking for them.  The girl walked me over to the section and honestly, I stood there and cried.  It's not a topic that many people read about unless they have either lived it, or have lived with someone that has lived it.

I checked out 5 books.  I have already read thru 3 of them.  I am shocked about how much of it is me.  I have a lot of issues that can be related back to the abuse.  I am slowly uncovering them, not by my choice, but they are being exposed. 

One of the things that has been hard for me is where it has taken me in my relationship with my daughters.  As I read over the weekend, one book indicated that often the memories will come when you are around a child that was around your age when the abuse started.  I have a daughter that is just like me.  If she were my age, we would be twins.  I didn't think about it until I read it, but I am afraid that I am reacting to her because I am reacting to my past.  Yesterday I put her in time out because she was acting very inappropriately.  As I walked her in to her room, she called me a very hurtful name.  In a way, not only was I abusing her, but she was abusing me.  Right now, our home life is not good.  There is a lot of stress.  The pressure is mounting again.

My husband has been working full time for 2 days.  He comes home exhausted.  Yesterday, the kids fought because they had to do their chores on Sunday as their Dad just sat there.  They even yelled at him because he didn't have to do anything yesterday but go to church.  Yes, he is the only one that didn't have to clean yesterday. 

I struggle with physical contact right now.  He tells me often that he loves me.  I say "I know".  I don't know what to do.  He wants to kiss, he wants to be intimate, I can't right now.  I am trying so hard to figure out what "love" is.  When he tells me he loves me, what does that mean?  In my reading I realize that I am not alone in feeling like that, but yet, right now, he can't relate to me.  In his eyes, he has done everything that he is supposed to do so I should be able to start loving him again.  Love isn't like that, it isn't a switch that you just turn on and off.

I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I can do this.  Friday night, I started thinking that maybe it would have been better if I was the one that left home.  My poor kids, they are so confused.  Do I snuggle with Daddy or do I snuggle with Mommy?  How do you choose between one or the other?  Who do I sit by, who do I hug first? 

Yesterday was his dad's birthday.  I don't know if he even got a phone call from his son.  I can't be responsible for that anymore.  I have to admit, it is hard for me to take the step back.  The old me would have been up there yesterday with a gift in my hand, making it look good, making sure everyone was pleased with me and my little family.  The new me, doesn't care (OK, still a little caring).

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