My emotions are everywhere. If I had to describe them I would have fear, anxiety, and sadness. I haven't slept very well for almost 2 weeks. All of the reading I have done is making me exhausted. I have slowed down the reading because I have other things I have to worry about.
My husband started working full time last week at the Deseret Industries. He comes home exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful he is working. But, unfortunately, I work full time as well, and still have to come home and do the chores that the kids fight over. OK I don't HAVE to, but I have some OCD and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. I don't know, maybe it is the retired food handler's permit in me, but I can't do it.
I love my girls. They are struggling with their father right now as well. They don't see it being fair either and struggle to respect him as their Dad. In the mean time, I am supposed to hold this all together. Last night was family night in our church. Our oldest is in a Young Adult ward. She leaves every Monday night, that is her calling. Our middle 2 went swimming with friends. Munchkin, Mom and Dad were left. I had sent a text to the Bishop regarding some matters. He then advised me that "in the light of the situation that happened last week, I should be having Family Home Evening". Please throw some salt in my "imperfect family" wounds. I have to admit it hurt. Hello doesn't he know that I know far more about the "situation" that happened last week than he does? I am the one living in the aftermath. It has been hell, and I don't know if I will recover.
Why do I have fear? I fear for my family. I fear for my job. I fear for me. Going thru all this crap is scary stuff for me. I have been a very private person. Now, I know why, because it was easier for me to hide. I don't like it when people are disappointed in me. I feel like I have done that a lot lately. I told my friend that I have so much to change that it would be easier if I just started all over with life.
I have anxiety as I try to sort thru all of the pain. I literally have a headache every day. I miss my bed. My bed is very comfortable to me, my daughters, not so much. When my husband leaves for work, I go in and lay in my bed. I don't know what I want. I asked my kids if they understood why I was sleeping in their room? My oldest, bless her heart, turned to me in all seriousness said "We thought it was because you wanted to have a sleepover with your daughters!" They are all very aware of what is going on. I really have some great kids. Hopefully I am not scarring them for life.
I have sadness because so much of my past is starting to make sense for me. I am sad that I had this perfect childhood-in my dreams. I read that one of the hardest things about abuse is what it does to the child's spirit relationship with their Heavenly Father. I am shocked about how true this is, even for me. I thought that I had a testimony. I thought that my testimony was enough. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that the First Vision happened. I don't have any doubt about that. I also know that Jesus Christ suffered in Gethsemane, that he suffered for the sins of the world, and that he does live again. Again, I have no doubt. That's where it ends. I have had tender mercies in my life. I know they exist. But, it is so hard for me to comprehend that something good is going to come out of this trial. It is so hard for me to comprehend that I have a Heavely Father that hasn't left me alone because so much of this has left me feeling very alone. I admit, I haven't let him in much either. You have no idea how much I have rationalized prayer. Because all of this came out in the open as an answer to a prayer. I say little snippits of prayer here and there, when I just need a little bit of help. But, sincere, heartfelt prayers are very scary for me. I keep telling myself that the Lord can't answer me with any worse than what he has answered.
The flashbacks are in the back of my head, but I can recall them at any point when I want. My heart still aches every time I recall them. He was my brother, I loved him. I hate that I have to forgive him for so much. I hate that I trusted him. I hate that he was so mean to me and I overlooked all of it.
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