I have been doing a lot of reading.  An interesting thing I have found is this 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  So, I wanted to know how vast that was.  I was thinking about my religion.  This means to me, that in every young women's class there are probably 2 sitting in that room that will be abused.  In an average Relief Society room there are probably 10 to 15.  I researched and according to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will contract breast cancer.  Your odds of being violated by sexual abuse or rape are double that of having breast cancer.  And the sad thing is sexual abuse knows no age.  There are babies being violated, on up to 90 year old women in rest homes.  On my walk this morning, I started thinking about my ward.  Thinking of the women that I sit with each week in Relief Society.  Trying to figure out on an average Sunday how many in our room could have been abused.  Then I started thinking, odds are, there are many women that have been abused that are not sitting in the Relief Society room.  Who am I kidding, I left Relief Society last week and didn't go back? 

As I said in an earlier post, I am LDS, and I am very grateful for the gospel principles that I have been taught.  However, I have found in my journey, that not many people want to openly talk about sexual abuse in the LDS community.  The point that I was trying to make in my paragraph above is that HELLO, why are we not talking about it?  We openly talk about breast cancer.  We mourn the women that have been affected by it.  We do early detection to avoid it killing us.  Please don't get me wrong, I have found many articles on LDS.org in regards to abuse.  Richard G Scott wrote a very powerful one on the effects of sexual abuse. 

I know it takes so much courage for one to admit that they have been sexually abused.  I am still dealing with it.  Hence the private blog.  As I said to my friend yesterday, I have to re-learn every relationship that I have.  My relationship with my daughters, my husband, my parents, my siblings.  Every last relationship has been affected.  I have to re-learn my relationship with myself. 

Again on my walk I was thinking of my life as a mother.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father, has affected my daughters relationship with their Heavenly Father.  I have to admit I even said in my head that I sucked as a Mom.  As I listened to the Tabernacle Choir sing A Child's Prayer I realized that I have missed out on a lot of intimate moments with my daughters in saying their prayers because of my lack of prayer. 

There is so much work to be done.  Many years ago, on my public blog I mentioned that I wanted to write a book about "women of faith".  I have met some amazing women in my life.  They are always very quick to  recognize the tender mercies that come from their Heavenly Father.  They have gone thru hard things and have risen above so much that it would be very easy to write that book.  I must admit, my thoughts have changed.  There are stories to be told, and honestly they are my stories.  I have always felt that everything happens for a reason.  I promise, I am going to get thru this, and yes, eventually there will be a book written.  When I figure out all of this mess, and when I am ready to share my story, I will share it.  Because, 1 in 4 is to big for us to ignore.  1 in 4 don't know if they will ever have their heart stop hurting.  1 in 4 don't know that they are "daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves them".  And sadly, 1 in 4 have days where they wish they weren't alive.  It's too big for anyone to ignore and unfortunately, it is happening in LDS homes everywhere.  We all have choices.  Eventually abuse will go away because the Lord has promised that when he comes to the Earth to reign-Satan will be bound.  We will know what paradisiacal glory really is, we have to wait for it, and we have to earn it.  I know I really want it!