You know if I put this in book form, I will read that I have a lot going on in my head several times over.  The good thing is, this blog is for me, to see where I have grown, and to see the trials that I have conquered while on this journey.  Gosh, I wish I could say I have "conquered" something!

Last week, my homework was to stay alive to see one more week.  I made it.  This week, my therapy homework is to go thru my treatment plan and see how far I think I have come in therapy.  I was also asked to read an article in the Ensign.  I have to admit, I have looked over my treatment plan, and I see where I have grown, but then there are areas where I really am lacking.  All I see  is what I am lacking and that discourages me. 

My husband is still without a job.  The bills are starting to really pile up on me, and it is all I can do to stop myself from accepting the 3rd job. 

I have to drop out of group due to some situations that were out of my control.  I will miss the ladies there, and I truly hope the best for them.

Lots going on in my little head right now.  My wage garnishment has started and my attorney fees for the condo have started as well.  I am not going to lie, I have been very suicidal.  My psychiatrist called my therapist and asked for me to come in earlier than 2 weeks.  My therapist was able to fit me in.  The therapist advised me that anyone with the environmental factors that I have going on would be suicidal.  That made me feel better.

My husband still doesn't have a job.  While I was working on the budget, I found that I am $1700 short every month.  Even if I got a 3rd job and worked from 9-11 it still wouldn't be enough.  Our marriage is hanging by a thread.  It could fall at any time.  Last night in group therapy we talked about relationships.  I have to remind myself that my husband has his free agency and his choices may not be my choices.  He may be OK with not working.  I didn't ask, I just told him that if we were going to stay married he needed a job.

Things have been hard lately.  I am struggling with self worth.  I have had suicidal thoughts for some time.  I contacted the crisis hotline and they advised me to continue with therapy.  Now, even though my wages are being garnished, I need to figure out how to pay for therapy.  I will figure it out, but my pride gets in the way.

My boss was served with my wage garnishment papers yesterday.  It has been hell ever since.  I have heard how I should be embarrassed.  I have heard how much I have disappointed my family, and I have embarrassed my family as well.

I can't take a whole lot more.  To be honest, I have thought about saying Goodbye to my family.  I can't help but think that there is something better for them, just around the corner.

One day, my children will probably read this blog.  Hopefully they will see how hard I worked.  I did everything I could to provide for them and to give them a happy life.  I love them more than words.

Lots of things going on in my head right now.  Work has become extremely difficult.  I tried to quit last week and it back fired.  I evidently don't know how to quit a job.  It's ok because I don't have another job.  But, I do recognize that I am being abused on a daily basis.  My boss left the door open to one of our conversations so a co worker over heard.  He came in and advised me that it was emotional abuse, and verbal abuse, and he wouldn't take it if it were him.  However, I am the only one that the boss abuses so he doesn't have to take it.  Last week, my boss turned to me and advised me that if he were my therapist he would have told me to get my head out of my ass a long time ago.  All I could think of is, gosh I am grateful he is not my therapist. 

I met with a psychiatrist and she is changing up my meds.  I don't know what to think yet.  I do know that I am tired.  I am mentally and physically exhausted.  Nothing seems to be changing for me.

Last night I had a dream that my oldest sister, who is deceased, came back to my parents home.  I asked her where she had been, she had been living on the streets for all these years.  I was so angry with her.  I was angry that she would leave me to be the oldest child, I was angry that she would leave me to help raise her children and her grandchildren.  This was not like her at all.  I kept asking her "what do you think you were doing?"  She didn't talk.  Then I woke up. 

There has been so much going on since she left us.  She left me with a lot of responsibility, and right now I am failing miserably