For some reason or another, life has become very hard.  I am trying to figure out why all of a sudden but things seem to be coming at me at full speed and I feel like I have been hit by a truck pretty much daily. 

This last week things got pretty bad.  I went to the Dr and he increased my medication and asked me to follow up with my therapist.  I have a safety plan in place but I don't really like it.  It involves my husband giving me my medication for the month.  I don't really like relying on him as he tends to do things on his time frame and not on mine.  Needless to say, I have not been following the safety plan.

In DBT (dialectecal behavior therapy, which is a group that I have gone thru at least 2 times) you learn about making a life worth living.  I have not figured out what would make my life worth living yet.  There are a lot of changes.  I need my changes to be gradual and not all at once.  There are so many things.

In group last week we talked about disputing our distorted thinking.  In one of my last sessions with my therapist we talked about Chastity and he then started disputing my distorted thinking for me.  It wasn't until group last week that I understood that I was the one that needs to be doing the disputing and not my therapist.  To me, that is an awful lot of thinking, to have a thought and then to figure out if the thought is right or not is too much.

We talk a lot about our abuse in group, which I get is good to get it out, but it can be very difficult to hear that your 'perpetrator' ( my own brother) groomed me to his satisfaction.  He taught me what he wanted me to do thru threats and abuse.  Then there were the times that he would make me feel special for being the 'favorite' sister'.  This kind of talk is very difficult for me.

I have not seen my individual therapist for 2 weeks now.  Tomorrow is my next session. It should be very interesting.  There is a lot that I need to get off my chest.  There is a lot that I need to tell him, and a lot that I need help understanding.  I think the most important thing for me is that I need to understand.  I have always been that way.  That is unfortunate in some aspects of this because I try to understand my abuse, and that is when I realize that there is no understanding with this.  There are things that I will  never understand.  Right now, I am not OK with that.  I want to understand.  I want the Lord to help me understand, I want my therapist to help me understand.

I have been really struggling with therapy.  It is really hard and I am working thru a lot.  I told my story to my Amac group.  That took me 3 kleenex to get thru and I was not specific at all.  My next assignment was to write an anger letter.  I put off my homework because it is quite a lot to deal with.  I sat down yesterday and started thinking about who I am angry with.  Of course I am angry with my Brother.  Why wouldn't I be?  He raped me, and allowed one of his friends to rape me as well.  Anyone who has been raped would be angry.  He took my innocence at a time in my life when that was pretty much all I had.  I was one of 7 children.  I didn't have a lot of worldly possessions, I shared a room with my sisters.  All I had that was mine and mine alone was ME!  With my innocence lost, I struggled to fit in.  I had no sense of safety.  As a little child I checked the locks on the doors and windows every night.  I didn't feel safe in my own skin.  I remember walking the halls of my High School, praying that no one would notice me.  I have lost myself.  I don't know who I am, I don't even know who I want to be. The sad truth is that I wasn't even safe in my own home. 

I then started thinking about my parents.  I am angry with them.  I am angry that my brother was allowed to continually abuse me in my home.  I am angry that my brother needed help, as well as several of my siblings, but because of pride and how it would "look" to others, we suffered in silence while the abuse was swept under the carpet.  I am angry that I never felt "good enough" when it came to my parents.  I strived to be the "perfect child" to avoid getting in trouble. 

I am angry at God.  How many times I have sang "I am a child of God", to not even feel worthy of my Heavenly Father's love.  I am angry that God can't take away someone's free agency but yet how does he pick and choose whose he interfere's with.

I am angry at myself.  This one is one of the hardest for me.  I am angry that I was so naive that when the Holy Ghost tried to tell me I was not safe, that I didn't listen.  I am angry that I can't have the perfect life that I have always wanted.  I am angry that I can't keep up with the standards that I once had.  I am angry that my life is still affected by this abuse, that I can't move past this, that I am still struggling to be intimate with my husband.  I am angry that my husband is struggling with my abuse, but then he has his own issues and I am angry that he doesn't feel that I am worth him having a job.  I am angry that I allow what people think of me to affect me.

Went to AMAC group again this week.  This week it was my turn to share my story.  I felt bad as I triggered 2 women in the group.  I didn't even tell all of the details, just enough to build my story, and it happened.  My therapist explained that this will happen with these types of groups.  It only took me 3 kleenex to get thru my story so it must be getting easier.  I catch myself thinking that my abuse wasn't as bad as some other women's.  Then I remind myself that my abuse was bad.  Any abuse is bad.  Any form or rape is bad and it doesn't matter how it is done or by who it is bad.  (yes, I just totally triggered myself, it makes my head and heart hurt).  I do a lot of crying as I work thru my distortions.  Yesterday in therapy we talked about my distortions.  At times it is very hard to identify a true thought from a distortion.  Unfortunately, I have to learn how to listen to my heart because if I feel guilt, or shame, then odds are it is a distortion.  I advised my therapist that there are times where I don't know what the feeling is that I am feeling, I get a sick feeling and I don't know what emotion to link it too.  Basically, if it causes me to want to run and hide, it is a distortion.  (why can't I run and hide, it feels so much better!!!)

My husband still has not gone out to look for a job.  My stress level is rising as I work full time, manage the finances (which are pretty much non existant), clean the house, take care of the kids and the homework, and try to manage keeping my sanity.  I'm not doing all that great with any of them.  I will admit, the self injury and suicidal thoughts are very close to the surface.  (yes, I can't believe I just wrote that!)  I have struggled with these types of thoughts for years.  They "ebb and flow".  I have my good days and my bad days.  I am trying to have more good days than bad right now but it is easier said than done.  There are some days where I just want to give up.  I want to stop taking medication, I want to be done with therapy, I want to be done with work, and money, and kids, and parents.  Some days, it just becomes too much for me to carry.  Please know that I love my family, and I don't mean for any of this to hurt them.  Some times, my burden is just too heavy.  I have been told to allow others to carry it for me, then that brings out my control issues.  I need to have control of something.

I went to the temple for the 2nd time in 4 weeks for an endowment session.  The first time I went I learned about the covenant that I made with my husband to follow him and allow him to be the leader.  I struggled with that and have been working thru that with my husband.  This last time, as I sat and listened to the session the Law of Chastity hit me pretty hard.  I have struggled with flashbacks for the last 2 years of my life.  Flashbacks of sexual abuse with my brother.  I loved him and even though I struggled with him most of my life (and yes, there were many years where I had nothing to do with him and there were times where I hated him), he was still my brother.  These flashbacks have been so intense that they interrupt my life for days.  As I sat in the Temple and reflected on the law of chastity, I came to the understanding that I don't understand it.  I discussed this with my therapist Saturday afternoon.  I was told I have some "deep distortions" when it comes to sexual abuse and the law of chastity.  My therapist has asked me to address this with my AMAC group because I need to hear it from someone that has been there and not just from my therapist.

As we talked about my distortions it was almost as though he was angry with what I was telling him.  Like he couldn't believe that we were discussing this after we have been meeting after all this time.  There are feelings and impressions that I have only told him.  Saturday this was no exception, yes, he heard all my distortions.  His reaction sent me into a tail spin.  It was a very intense session and I was left with a sick feeling, something that I could not put a name to.  After 2 days of this sick feeling and still not being able to identify the emotion, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings and reactions point back to my child hood.  My first reaction after watching his reaction to my "distortions" was, "I just won't tell him anything else".  (which is not good for therapy).  I will need to address these feelings with him, which thankfully he was very willing to set me up with 3 weeks worth of appointments so as not to miss.  (he is very good that way)