Went to AMAC group again this week.  This week it was my turn to share my story.  I felt bad as I triggered 2 women in the group.  I didn't even tell all of the details, just enough to build my story, and it happened.  My therapist explained that this will happen with these types of groups.  It only took me 3 kleenex to get thru my story so it must be getting easier.  I catch myself thinking that my abuse wasn't as bad as some other women's.  Then I remind myself that my abuse was bad.  Any abuse is bad.  Any form or rape is bad and it doesn't matter how it is done or by who it is bad.  (yes, I just totally triggered myself, it makes my head and heart hurt).  I do a lot of crying as I work thru my distortions.  Yesterday in therapy we talked about my distortions.  At times it is very hard to identify a true thought from a distortion.  Unfortunately, I have to learn how to listen to my heart because if I feel guilt, or shame, then odds are it is a distortion.  I advised my therapist that there are times where I don't know what the feeling is that I am feeling, I get a sick feeling and I don't know what emotion to link it too.  Basically, if it causes me to want to run and hide, it is a distortion.  (why can't I run and hide, it feels so much better!!!)

My husband still has not gone out to look for a job.  My stress level is rising as I work full time, manage the finances (which are pretty much non existant), clean the house, take care of the kids and the homework, and try to manage keeping my sanity.  I'm not doing all that great with any of them.  I will admit, the self injury and suicidal thoughts are very close to the surface.  (yes, I can't believe I just wrote that!)  I have struggled with these types of thoughts for years.  They "ebb and flow".  I have my good days and my bad days.  I am trying to have more good days than bad right now but it is easier said than done.  There are some days where I just want to give up.  I want to stop taking medication, I want to be done with therapy, I want to be done with work, and money, and kids, and parents.  Some days, it just becomes too much for me to carry.  Please know that I love my family, and I don't mean for any of this to hurt them.  Some times, my burden is just too heavy.  I have been told to allow others to carry it for me, then that brings out my control issues.  I need to have control of something.