I went to the temple for the 2nd time in 4 weeks for an endowment session.  The first time I went I learned about the covenant that I made with my husband to follow him and allow him to be the leader.  I struggled with that and have been working thru that with my husband.  This last time, as I sat and listened to the session the Law of Chastity hit me pretty hard.  I have struggled with flashbacks for the last 2 years of my life.  Flashbacks of sexual abuse with my brother.  I loved him and even though I struggled with him most of my life (and yes, there were many years where I had nothing to do with him and there were times where I hated him), he was still my brother.  These flashbacks have been so intense that they interrupt my life for days.  As I sat in the Temple and reflected on the law of chastity, I came to the understanding that I don't understand it.  I discussed this with my therapist Saturday afternoon.  I was told I have some "deep distortions" when it comes to sexual abuse and the law of chastity.  My therapist has asked me to address this with my AMAC group because I need to hear it from someone that has been there and not just from my therapist.

As we talked about my distortions it was almost as though he was angry with what I was telling him.  Like he couldn't believe that we were discussing this after we have been meeting after all this time.  There are feelings and impressions that I have only told him.  Saturday this was no exception, yes, he heard all my distortions.  His reaction sent me into a tail spin.  It was a very intense session and I was left with a sick feeling, something that I could not put a name to.  After 2 days of this sick feeling and still not being able to identify the emotion, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings and reactions point back to my child hood.  My first reaction after watching his reaction to my "distortions" was, "I just won't tell him anything else".  (which is not good for therapy).  I will need to address these feelings with him, which thankfully he was very willing to set me up with 3 weeks worth of appointments so as not to miss.  (he is very good that way)