I am sorry that sometimes this blog tends to be a little negative.  I am going thru some tough things right now and this is the only place where I feel comfortable putting it all out there.  Right now, my husband worked his last day yesterday.  The last time my husband did not have a job I had kicked him out of the house until he got a job.  This is so hard for me, my thoughts are jumbled as I feel for him as he is hurting, but on the other hand I question why I am not worth providing for?  Why are my children not worth providing for?

My little girl is struggling with her hip issues.  She is in pain often.  We hardly sleep as she will wake up in tears.  Her physical therapy hurts her, which means that I hurt her because I am doing the therapy.  It makes my heart hurt for her.  I love her so much.  Sometimes it is just too much to bear.

As I said in an earlier post, I have been attending an adults molested as children group.  This is not an easy thing to do.  Last night we started sharing stories.  The therapist said that before she started her healing she felt "yucky" when others would talk about incest.  I asked when that "yucky" feeling ends and she answered , when you are done with your healing.  I struggle to share my story, not many know the details.  There is actually only 2 people that know most of the details and only 1 that knows all of the details.  The prior Bishop that was with me to deal with the initial flashbacks, and my therapists.  I have to work thru this so that I can be ready to share next week.  I have been shocked at how much the little things trigger the emotions and flashbacks.  It is not a pleasant experience.  In my reading I was told that Healing Hurts.  Well, they are not kidding.

One thing that has had me questioning a lot is that there are so many that talk about the pre-existence and how we chose to come down and gain a body, knowing the trials that we would face.  In the process I have been going through I have learned for myself that I was fully aware that this life would be hard, and I am learning of a Heavenly Father that loves me and wants me back in his presence.  One question I asked my therapist on Saturday has been on my mind for some time.  The question I had was that the first night when I didn't listen to the Holy Ghost, did the Lord's plan for me change?  My therapist thought for a minute and said "no".  I asked him how he knew.  "I just know."  I asked how do you know?  His next statement pierced my heart and yes, we felt the spirit in that room when he said.  "I can't put it into words".  I knew that it was the spirit that he was using to tell me.  I asked one of the other ladies in the group the same question and they also said they just knew.  However, the spirit talked to me again (which I am so thankful) when I learned that our Heavenly Father is the "same yesterday, today, and forever."  He didn't change, he will never change.  In the Book of Mormon he reminds us that our Heavenly Father is a man of miracles. 

I am learning that the first night I changed.  It is my choice as to how I want it to affect me.  Most who know me know that I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  I am searching for the person that I long to be.