I have been really struggling with therapy.  It is really hard and I am working thru a lot.  I told my story to my Amac group.  That took me 3 kleenex to get thru and I was not specific at all.  My next assignment was to write an anger letter.  I put off my homework because it is quite a lot to deal with.  I sat down yesterday and started thinking about who I am angry with.  Of course I am angry with my Brother.  Why wouldn't I be?  He raped me, and allowed one of his friends to rape me as well.  Anyone who has been raped would be angry.  He took my innocence at a time in my life when that was pretty much all I had.  I was one of 7 children.  I didn't have a lot of worldly possessions, I shared a room with my sisters.  All I had that was mine and mine alone was ME!  With my innocence lost, I struggled to fit in.  I had no sense of safety.  As a little child I checked the locks on the doors and windows every night.  I didn't feel safe in my own skin.  I remember walking the halls of my High School, praying that no one would notice me.  I have lost myself.  I don't know who I am, I don't even know who I want to be. The sad truth is that I wasn't even safe in my own home. 

I then started thinking about my parents.  I am angry with them.  I am angry that my brother was allowed to continually abuse me in my home.  I am angry that my brother needed help, as well as several of my siblings, but because of pride and how it would "look" to others, we suffered in silence while the abuse was swept under the carpet.  I am angry that I never felt "good enough" when it came to my parents.  I strived to be the "perfect child" to avoid getting in trouble. 

I am angry at God.  How many times I have sang "I am a child of God", to not even feel worthy of my Heavenly Father's love.  I am angry that God can't take away someone's free agency but yet how does he pick and choose whose he interfere's with.

I am angry at myself.  This one is one of the hardest for me.  I am angry that I was so naive that when the Holy Ghost tried to tell me I was not safe, that I didn't listen.  I am angry that I can't have the perfect life that I have always wanted.  I am angry that I can't keep up with the standards that I once had.  I am angry that my life is still affected by this abuse, that I can't move past this, that I am still struggling to be intimate with my husband.  I am angry that my husband is struggling with my abuse, but then he has his own issues and I am angry that he doesn't feel that I am worth him having a job.  I am angry that I allow what people think of me to affect me.