In the addiction recovery program that the Church publishes it uses 12 steps.  Last week we discussed Step 9 which is Reconciliation and Restitution.  About a year ago in one of our group sessions we had a gentleman stand up and talk about a step 9 letter that he had received from his son and how he cherished that.  I cried because I would never have a step 9 letter from my brother.  Last week I had the impression to write my own step 9 letter from my brother.  I first wrote a letter to him, explaining what I wanted him to do, and then I asked for the veil to part and have me write my letter as to how he would talk to me.  The letter turned out beautiful.  I am grateful for that impression.  In the letter he advised me that I needed to forgive myself.  I have been struggling with that. 

This morning Jed touched me and I freaked out.  I was triggered and I went crazy.  I of course backed him off but I felt really bad for freaking out.  I hate PTSD.  It never goes away.  I hate that I am still affected by it.  I hate that I have it in the first place.  I hate that I have a mental illness.  I hate that I have to take so much medication just to prevent me from trying to kill myself.  I hate that I have to spend money to talk to someone.  I hate how it makes me feel when I know that my family has other expenses besides my therapy.  My friend told me that I needed to make my therapy my 2nd investment behind my home payment.  I am that important.  I still struggle to believe that!!!