I'm not going to lie, I think that writing on my other blog about the Savior is easier than sharing my emotions and deepest feelings on this blog.  I met with my new Bishop.  He is a therapist.  You can definitely tell he is a therapist.  He asked some tough questions and makes me go "crap, that sucks".  I have had a lot of moments like that this week as I have thought about my meeting with the Bishop, and then my individual therapy session.  My last couple individual sessions have been really rough for some reason.  Sometimes, they are so overwhelming that it takes me days to get out of the crap that I had come up in session.  I still really struggle with physical touch.  Sometimes after a rough session, I can't even stand my children touching me.  That is rough on my entire family.  I will admit, I sometimes get a very flippant attitude from my husband.  There have been times where he has said to me "a man should be able to touch his wife."  There are so many times where I have to remind him, that my body is mine, not his, and I way what happens with my body.  I am sorry this is so hard for my family. This is hard for me.  Today in marriage therapy, the marriage therapist even asked me if the "hottest man" was in the room with me what would I do?  That is so easy, I would walk out.  There was even a point in our session where I had to say "I can't do this any faster".  Of course she then told me that noone asked me to go faster, but yet, I know my husband.  Both of us are struggling wth this right now.  It sucks that we even have to deal with this, but "it is what it is." 

My good friend is going in for breast cancer surgery tomorrow.  I have to admit, I was reminded of my surgery to remove my thyroid.  All of the emotions came back.  The emotions of me, and my family.  It is a hard thing.  One thing that I love to do for myself is a pedicure.  So, I admit, I saved some of my Christmas bonus.  When I remembered the days following my surgery, I felt like crap, and you become so overwhelmed with "medical jargon".  The Dr's talk to you and you almost look at their lips moving, but yet you don't even comprehend what they are saying.  I thought of this sweet friend and wondered what I could do to help her.  One point, a woman in the ward asked me why I would do a pedicure in the winter because no one sees your toes.  I then thought of how I feel when I don't feel pretty, even in my pajamas, I can look down at my painted toes, and I can feel pretty.  So, today, my friend and I found a quiet salon and we had pedicures.  She got a cheery melon color with the cheeriest flowers imaginable.  We talked, we cried, and we even got done early enough that we were able to go for a ride and chat.  It was an awesome afternoon, and hopefuly, in the next few days, she can look down at her toes and remember how beautiful she really is!

Lots going on in my head right now.  It has been a couple weeks since I last posted.  There are many reasons for this, but the biggest, is we have had a change in Bishop's.  I meet with the new Bishop tomorrow.  Before the old Bishop left his calling, we sat down and he asked me what I would be comfortable with him sharing with the new Bishop.  We didn't know who the new Bishop would be and so  I had to really reflect on the calling, and not on the person.  There are many wonderful men in the ward but not an easy thing to share with a lot of people.  I am so grateful that the prior Bishop would take the time to sit with me and help me prepare emotionally for this change.  There have been many sacred experiences that have been given to only me in regards to this new Bishop.  Feelings, and impressions, that  have been only shown to me.  (I have not shared them with anyone.)  I teach Sunday School and we talked about Tender Mercies-gifts meant specifically for you from your Heavenly Father.  I have been shown many Tender Mercies and it stirs the emotions to even think about them. 

Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel for my prior Bishop.  I truly love this man, and his sweet wife.  He has helped me truly understand that I do have a ward family.  We talk about Forever Families in our church.  I am now certain that the relationships that we gain, even in our Ward Families, can be forever as well.  He truly was a Brother that helped me thru a very dark time in my life.  When we met for the last time, he told me how far I had come, and I agree, I have come very far, but I am still not thru the trees.  (We both admitted that!)  This is really hard!  It doesn't go away.  It has to become a part of me.  I worked so hard to form the "perfect me".  The sad thing is, it wasn't what the Lord wanted for me.  You know, many relate this to a scar, that though the wound is deep, it will heal.  I have a scar on my thumb that has been there since I was in the 5th grade.  I know it is there.  I look at it from time to time, it doesn't bother me (ok sometimes it does :) ) but I know it is there and I go on with life.  I formed this "perfect life" around avoiding the scar of abuse.  It almost makes me angry that I have to know it is there.  I am almost in shock that I have had this scar for 30+ years, but just even learned about it 1 1/2 years ago.  It is almost as though this "gaping wound" opened up after 30 years of being closed over. 

I was reminded over the weekend by a friend that the new Bishop's call was all part of the "Lord's Plan".  I will admit, I was a little angry over that statement, because all of this has been the "Lord's Plan."  Everything I have done has been the "Lord's Plan."  That even though I struggle in my marriage, I can't deny the overwhelming confirmation I was to marry my husband.  My first flashback, was an answer to a prayer, truly the "Lord's Plan."  There has been too much that has gone on in my life that  I cannot deny that the Lord has a plan for me.  Now, there is also a scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about the Natural Man, and I certainly fit this category, because one of my key traits, is that I struggle with being "willing to submit" to all that is inflicted on me.  But, the Lord knows this about me as well, and he PATIENTLY teaches me.  He has given me many blessings along my path, and for that I am truly grateful.

I have been working on the Budget, I HATE the budget.  A few nights ago, after I read scriptures with my kids we had time to read another book.  The book we chose was "You Are Mine" by Max Lucado.  If you know anything about the Max Lucado books it talks about a wooden puppet named "Punchinello", and his maker named "Eli".  Well, in this particular book, Punchinello worked really hard to get "things", he even sold his bed to get "things", he worked many hours, and stopped being with friends because he thought to be important he needed more "things".  Finally, he stumbled into the home of "Eli", his maker.  Eli told him how they were just "things" and the "things" he was working so hard for had ended up costing Punchinello a lot.  Eli even at one point says to Punchinello that he needed to trust that Eli would give him what he needed. 

So, working on the budget, and then reading this book I have felt in the dumps.  I am working 2 jobs and still cannot make ends meet.  I am so much like Punchinello it is SAD!  I laid in bed after reading that story to my children and asked if I was too busy working for "things".  I sat there and wondered, if I didn't work to pay for what I do have, who would?  We don't have a lot of "things".  There are 6 of us in a 2 bedroom condo, we drive an older van, our furniture came from the DI.  We do have cell phones and 2 laptops (1 of which is our college daughter's).  I am very frugal when it comes to clothing shopping, and honestly, a lot comes from the DI.  So, if I am so frugal and don't have a lot of  "things", why in the hell can I not live within my means? 

I am told often that I need to not concentrate so hard on the "crap" that I have going on in my life.  I was reading some of my past posts and mentioned that my marriage therapist was quite blunt with me.  I remembered her being blunt, but I couldn't remember why until I worked on the budget and thought about my work.  She was blunt when she advised me that I am keeping busy to avoid a lot, and that I should be getting to the point where I can quit my 2nd job.  Well, when you see that we are $600 short this pay period alone that's when I question again, how am I supposed to do this?  I would think that every little bit helps, but then again, in my head "at what expense?"  Then, there are times where I wonder "Why in the hell am I the one that has to sit and figure this out?  Where is my husband?"    But, then I know who I am and I have never given him anything. 

I met with my Bishop on Sunday.  I have been told over and over that I needed to ask my spiritual questions of him.  Well, my poor Bishop gets an awful lot from me.  Last week, after I asked him a question, he answered me somewhat sarchastically.  He then told me I already knew the answer.  I had to explain to him again that I thought I knew the answers to the questions that I have been asking him but after all is said and done I am not sure anymore and I needed someone who was sure to answer my questions. 

This Sunday, it was my questions that took me to his office.  He knows everything I have been going thru and so I needed him to answer my questions.  I have researched on the computer and honestly, if you google, LDS and Sexual abuse in the same sentence, 90% of the search will come up with people who have fallen away from the church.  That is not my desire.  I love the Church, I am grateful for its teachings, but I will admit, I am very confused about Why?  What is the purpose?  And, What am I supposed to be learning from this?    So, I asked the Bishop Why?  Why do so many people that this happens to fall away from the church?  He answered as best as he could, and flat out, they become bitter.  I have felt bitterness.  I don't want to feel bitter. 

Everyone has trials that we need to overcome.  Our trials are designed to strengthen us.  As we discussed this trial that I have been given, we talked about where I was before, and what I want to become.  I was so sure that I could not be shaken, that my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ was strong enough to carry me thru into the next life.  And I can honestly say, that there are some 80 year olds that pass into the next life with a testimony like I had that it was enough.  However, I was shaken, and as the Bishop stated on Sunday "I don't know why your Testimony had to be shaken to its foundation", but, it has.  We read some scriptures and he answered more questions, then I asked him "what if this spiritually destroys me?"  He then said, "then that would be your choice!"    He asked me what my greatest desire would be, and I already knew what I wanted, I want to know my Savior, I want to know his plan for me, I get that this happened, there is nothing I can do about it but heal and grow from it.  Trust me, it sounds so much easier than it is, and "trust" is a very scary word for me because it is one of the hardest things for me to do, but it always has been hard for me.

The Bishop then gave me a beautiful blessing.  This is hard for me.  There are times where I have felt like it would be so much easier to handle this on the other side.  But, that wasn't part of God's plan, so I will follow, I may not like it, but the only way past it is thru it!