So, it has been awhile since I have posted and there has been a lot going on.  I have had 2 meltdowns since my last session with Jade.  My first one was on a Sunday, we had Home Teachers planned and I was stressed because my house was a mess.  I had talked to Jade the day before about 1st Corinthians chapter 13 and we talked about Charity.  I started thinking of the person I was, the person that served continually, and really, I loved doing it.  I think of the person I have become and I became so overwhelmed that I freaked out.  I called the Home Teachers and asked them not to come.  I went to sacrament and then, I came home and took a nap.  I was exhausted.  I slept thru Abbey's talk and her presentation of her Faith in God award.  I felt bad about that, and if you can't tell, I still do.

My last melt down was on Saturday.  I did not have any therapy last week.  I think I became overwhelmed.  I also think that I had some abandonment issues with Jade, because I did not have a therapy session.  With my abandonment issues I became completely overwhelmed.  I started texting Jade, trying to get any form of response, I got nothing.  Then, after not getting a response, the abandonment issues escalated, which then caused more excessive texting.  Now, after sitting with my emotions I have come to the Shame portion of this cycle.  I am embarrassed over the excessive texting.  I'm embarrassed that I opened up in my texts.  I feel like I gave him too much information.  I feel like he now knows the real me.  I thought about the job of a therapist, his job is to listen, then I started wondering if I was paying Jade to care.  I asked my Bishop, he said that therapists don't get paid enough, but that they are genuinely concerned. 

I meet with Jade tomorrow.  I am stressed about my appointment.  A part of me does not want to go.  A part of me wants to let things settle down and maybe show up to my appointment on the 13th.  A part of me wants to be done with therapy all together.  I keep hearing Jade's voice in my head telling me to "push thru it."  I am tired of pushing.  The sad truth is I am not happy where I am, but pushing thru is scary and hard.