In the addiction recovery program that the Church publishes it uses 12 steps.  Last week we discussed Step 9 which is Reconciliation and Restitution.  About a year ago in one of our group sessions we had a gentleman stand up and talk about a step 9 letter that he had received from his son and how he cherished that.  I cried because I would never have a step 9 letter from my brother.  Last week I had the impression to write my own step 9 letter from my brother.  I first wrote a letter to him, explaining what I wanted him to do, and then I asked for the veil to part and have me write my letter as to how he would talk to me.  The letter turned out beautiful.  I am grateful for that impression.  In the letter he advised me that I needed to forgive myself.  I have been struggling with that. 

This morning Jed touched me and I freaked out.  I was triggered and I went crazy.  I of course backed him off but I felt really bad for freaking out.  I hate PTSD.  It never goes away.  I hate that I am still affected by it.  I hate that I have it in the first place.  I hate that I have a mental illness.  I hate that I have to take so much medication just to prevent me from trying to kill myself.  I hate that I have to spend money to talk to someone.  I hate how it makes me feel when I know that my family has other expenses besides my therapy.  My friend told me that I needed to make my therapy my 2nd investment behind my home payment.  I am that important.  I still struggle to believe that!!!

I'm sorry, this blog always seems to talk about my therapy.  I think that is because that is what tends to be on my mind pretty much on a daily basis.  Last week in therapy we talked about stress and ways that I handle stress.  I openly admitted to Jade that I picked and pulled.  He said that he didn't consider that to be self-harm unless it made you feel better.  It does for me.  It gives me some control in a world that is spinning out of control.  We found out that my kidneys are suffering from my medication and also my calcium issues.  So, once again my medication has been switched.  I will admit, last night I was feeling pretty down.  I was a little freaked out about another medication, my kidney function, my therapy homework, and just life in general.  I called UNI and they talked me thru the situation.  I have a couple more days until my next session with Jade but I have been reeling thru the homework all week.  This week it is what causes me stress and how I deal with each particular situation.  Let's see, I have financial stress, I eat chocolate.  I have marital stress, I pull my hair out.  I have health stress, I eat chocolate (which then makes me feel worse then I don't eat).  My homework causes me stress, I pull my hair.

Last week my parents drove me to my therapy session.  As I was having my session, Jade asked if it would be ok if my parents came in.  I said it was ok and they came into the room.  They sat on the counch and proceeded to talk.  At one point Jade asked if my parents had any inclination of the abuse.  My father said that he should have thought something was up when he saw my brother and a neighbor girl abusing each other.  This totally thru me into a flashback and needless to say, I don't remember much of the conversation after that.  I dealt with the flashback for days and finally asked my Bishop if he would help me process my flashback.  I gave him the details and he was alarmed at best.  He asked if I had discussed this with the prior Bishop.  Not in full detail.  I once again felt very dirty and unworthy.  I asked the Bishop if he felt I was worthy and he said he needed to know more information.  I wasn't sure of my worthiness and the Bishop wasn't sure of my worthiness that I chose not to partake of the Sacrament.  This was one of the hardest things I could do.  I wanted the Savior's spirit to be with me.  I needed that.  I met with the Bishop Sunday afternoon and we talked in more detail of the abuse.  He then told me that with my testimony I could "start over".  He told me I was worthy to take the sacrament, and he told me that I needed to "let it go" and turn it over to God.  I don't know how to do this but at least I know now that it is not bad if I do hold on to it for a little bit longer.

Yesterday proved to be a very exhausting mental day for me.  I had my session with Jade.  We opened up talking about identifying my feelings and then acknowledging them.  He said that feelings are were liking a screaming toddler.  The more you ignore them, the longer and worse they persist.  I have thought about this a lot, it makes sense to me except for one thing.  I don't know how to identify my emotions.

We talked about me finding my purpose in life.  He stated that if I could find my purpose then my adversity would have meaning.  I will be honest, I have thought about my purpose ever since my session.  As I have reflected on it, the thought has been for my purpose to "proclaim the Gospel."  Now, that can be used in many different forms.  I could be proclaiming to my family, I could be proclaiming to my neighbors just by serving them.  I also can share my story so that others that have been sexually abused can know that they are not alone, that they can know that it is completely normal to question God, that it's perfectly normal to have flashbacks even after 3 years of therapy, and that it's perfectly normal to cry and know that they are loved.  I can also proclaim the Gospel by sharing my testimony.  I am still working on my testimony and it isn't what it used to be, but it is growing, and that is what matters.  I am still sad that my testimony isn't what it used to be. 

I'm not going to lie, this year has been a hard one.  I have continued having therapy with Jade and that tends to be difficult.  He really makes me work hard.  I started on some new medication that makes my hands shake.  I can't stand it.  I have to ask myself is it worth not having the suicidal thoughts over the shaking hands.  I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.  You girls need to know that I am living because of you.  Thank you for giving my life purpose.

So, a New Year, and a New ME!  I have to admit, I was a little anxious as I started this year.  This year brings a lot of uncertainty to me, things that I fear, things that could change my entire existance.  Every year is like that.  As I reflected on the New Year, I became discouraged with the "old" year, 2014.  I reflected on how hard I have worked to get to the point where I am today.  Then, I thought of how hard I have to work this year.  I have to admit, I got tired, I even became suicidal as thoughts raced thru my mind.  I texted Jade as I knew I needed to reach out to someone.  Normally he doesn't respond, and to be honest, I wasn't expecting a response, but he did answer.  He told me that I could do it!  He told me that I can't give up but to just "keep" enduring.  This is easier said than done for me. I read an email I received from my Bishop, on Hope.  Words cannot express how these two little acts of kindness literally saved my life.