As I said in my prior post, I am finally done with all of the antibiotics.  After 3 weeks, it feels good to be done and to have all of that in the past.  Granted, now I am getting the bills, and they are not pretty!  The last time I was on antibiotics for an extended period of time for an ear infection, I ended up getting a pocket of infection in my intestine.  I am not going to lie, I totally think I am headed in that direction again.  My stomach has been hurting me for the last couple days and I have some other issues that I feel like my body is freaking out!  I really need my body to cooperate with me.  I need my walks to the Temple again.  I need to feel better.  I need to not be exhausted.  I need to not be on Tylenol and Advil.  I was on some pretty strong antibiotics for the last 3 weeks and I was warned that it was killing all of the bacteria in my body.  I was warned that my immune system would be compromised this winter.  I was advised that I should have a flu shot because of the severe compromise I was at an increased risk for anything viral but that I had to wait until all of the antibiotics were out of my system.  Well, not only did the antibiotics kill the bad bacteria but it also killed the good bacteria.  I thought about buying probiotics when I had my antibiotics filled, and refilled, but I was so tired of having pills, that I passed.  Now, my body is regretting it.  I can't stand yogurt, but after what the antibiotics did to my calcium levels, my body could have used that yogurt.  As I said, I really need my body to cooperate with me.

We went to marriage therapy yesterday.  She was pretty blunt with me.  I am finding that people feel that they have to be blunt with me when it comes to therapy.  My problem is that I am going thru so much in my head that NOONE could be harder on me, than me!  My mind is not stupid.  Everyone has defense mechanisms that they use to protect themselves.  Sometimes in therapy, the defense mechanisms get broken down, or they get "torn down" and you are left exposed.  That is what therapy is supposed to do, that means it is working.  But, sometimes, you just need that defense mechanism, that security blanket.  Sometimes, that is the only thing that helps you to feel safe and loved.  I understand it is not good to have these "securities", but sometimes you just need a rest. 

I know I already posted today, but again, my head is spinning.  Today is one of my daughters birthdays.  We have been busy doing Birthday things for her today.  My husband is now gone for the day and night doing his basketball games.  I have been so confused for months as I sort thru my particular trials in life.  My husband is struggling with me, our marriage has been struggling for months.  Every day, he stands over me, as he is a foot taller than me, and waits for a kiss.  I am not going to lie, there are days where I just can't do it.  I don't know what love is.  As I dealt with my eye infection, and watched the actions of my husband, and children, I have asked myself more than once, is that love?  Does he really love me?  Is it just words?  Is he saying it to check in with me and make sure he is still OK with me?  This afternoon as he stood over me waiting for me to give him a kiss, I admit, I was a little mad.  Our daughter's birthday is not a big surprise, it happens the same day every year.  Our family always goes to dinner at the choice of the Birthday girl's choosing.  Today, he didn't have time for that.  Just 2 days ago, he complained that the children don't even talk to him any more, hello!  It's called making time for them.  This life is all about choices.  He made his choice tonight, just as he has done so many times.  This time is different because he has a day job now, so now, he can't say that this is his job and that he has to go, he chose his schedule.  When do I become important?  When do my daughters become important?

I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  I have headaches all the time.  My eye itches, and my arm is still tender from the PICC line but I am on the mend physically, mentally is another situation.  I hate that I am still trying to figure out my role in this family.  My husband has a job, and he likes it, but there is so much more to it than that.  He has worked all day every day this week except Thanksgiving, and then he comes home, changes his shirt, and heads off to his game.  I have still been working my 2 jobs.  I usually get to my 2nd job early enough that I can get a ride to work, and then I usually walk home from work.  It is a nice walk.  It has been fun walking down the street with Christmas lights.  I didn't enjoy the holidays very much last year, to be honest, I even reflected on the night before Thanksgiving about where I was last year.  The night before Thanksgiving, I spent the night in EMDR.  It was a particularly hard session, I can still remember everything about it. 

Yesterday, as I talked with my individual therapist, I cried a lot.  We sat in silence a lot.  At one point she turned to me and reminded me how strong I was.  I am tired of being strong.  I don't want to be strong any more. 

So, the PICC line is out.  Still on oral antibiotics.  I went to the eye Dr last week and he felt it was OK for me to have the PICC line out and continue with the course of action with the oral antibiotics.  However, he cautioned me that if anything went "South, even by 1 degree" to contact him.  This morning I took my last dose of antibiotic.  My eye still has some redness.  My Dr is out of the office and so I called the on call Dr.  The on call Dr kind of freaked out and worries that they pulled the IV antibiotics too early, so he ordered me another round of antibiotics.  He again cautioned me, even a headache I was to go back to the ER.  I have had headaches every day, my eyes get tired and strained.  I am worn out!  I am down to Tylenol for the pain which is manageable. 

Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  To say I am not stressed would be an understatement.  I haven't spoken more than 10 words to the "inlaws" in about a year.  They are nice people, they just have some issues with me.  They have always had some issues with me.  I find out more and more all the time.  The last issue that they did not agree with, I backed out of a contract to purchase their home.  There were so many things that was so back handed with the contract.  I stuck to my values and my marriage has suffered.  The relationship has become very strained that even when they call my home they don't call themselves Grandma and Grandpa, they use their first names.  Tell your dad to call "***"!  Really, my kids have never called their grandparents by their first names.  It is especially difficult for the older ones because they are used to them being their grandparents, not an acquaintance. 

I am still on IV antibiotics.  I am exhausted.  My family is ready for me to be done with this mess of a life.  I went back to work at both jobs.  The cleaning job wore me out and I was very cautious with my PICC line.  Being on IV's and having to sit for at least 1 1/2 hours while the medicine flows slowly thru my veins, I have a lot of time to reflect. 

As I have reflected, I have done some very deep thinking.  My mind has gone back to our last marriage therapy session.  I remember asking in our session, "why don't you want to take care of me?"  He keeps telling others that I am not the kind of girl that wants expensive things.  That's when I ask "what if I do want those kind of things?"  Why am I not worth that to him?  Last week after being sick for over a week, my husband had been gone all day and into the night as he had his day job, and then his sports.  Keep in mind, I had been on IV's for days, they had to cut my arm to put the PICC line in, my identity had been stolen, my medical records had been given to another person by a hospital staff member, and I was still supposed to work my job, be a Mom, clean the house, the dishes, the laundry.  My body hurt, I didn't even have peripheral vision until 4 days ago, you literally could have stood right next to me on my left side and I would not have seen you.  Back to my point, the question from our session, still ringing thru my mind-"why don't you want to take care of me?"  I pointed out that the entire time I had been sick, he had not been home, his comment "I am doing what you wanted me to do, you wanted me to work 24/7".  Ok, I did want him to get a "day job", but again, I ask "why don't you want to take care of me?"

When I think of this question, it brings up a lot of awful feelings.  Feelings of the past come flooding back which don't make for pleasant experiences.  Feelings for a desire to want to have been taken care of before, it didn't happen, so I made due with what I could do.  I took care of myself. 

So I posted last Thursday.  On Thursday night, I did what every woman would do, I tweezed my eyebrows.  That is about the only normal thing about the events of the weekend.  On Friday, I woke up and my eye was swollen so I had an infection brewing.  I called my regular Dr and he had no appointments available so I decided I would tough it out.  Friday afternoon, my eye got considerably worse so I called Instacare.  It was starting to hurt really bad and they asked me to come in.  I waited in the waiting room for about 1/2 hour when they called me back.  They took me to the eye room and there I sat.  The Dr came in put on her hand sanitizer and advised me that she would not be touching my eye.  She explained that she feared that I had "peri orbital cellulitis" and she then advised me that what I had was very serious and that I had 15 minutes to get to the ER.  She asked which one I wanted to go to and that she would call ahead but again reminded me I had 15 minutes to get there.  I dropped off my kids at home and headed in to LDS Hospital.  I did change my pants and put on my slippers because I wanted to comfy at the ER.  I am glad that I did because I got in to the ER and the Dr looked at it.  He attempted to lance it.  The nurse came in to discharge me and advised me that the Dr was not able to get a culture and so he wanted me to come back in on Saturday for a follow up.  The nurse then advised me that what I had was very serious and the Dr was tempted to start me on IV antibiotics on Friday so it was very important that I followed up on Saturday. 

I went home and slept.  On Saturday morning I woke up at 3:16 and my eye had gotten worse.  I debated on waking my family but decided to let them sleep.  My niece's kids came at 6:00 and I started taking care of them.  By 7:00 my eyes were both beginning to be affected.  I woke my husband and advised him that I needed to go to the ER because it was getting worse.

When I showed up at the ER they took me back to the eye room.  The Dr came in and said that we needed to pull out the "big guns" for this infection.  He then advised me that I would be going to have IV antibiotics.  I was relieved, but still trying to be strong.  My eyes were killing me.  They took me back to the ER and started my IV.  I was then informed that I would have 2 antibiotics, on top of the 2 oral that I was already taking and that the medication would take over 4 hours to be administered.  So, I settled in.  The  nurses were so kind.  Saturday the pain got worse while I was in the ER so I asked for an Ibuprofen.  The nurse advised me that they had better pain fighting medication.  My thoughts turned immediately to my sister.  When she died she had been taking "prescription" narcotics every 4 hours for months.  Realistically, we all knew that she was addicted to pain medication.  We tried to help her but it had gotten too far and she died.  Granted her health was not good, but the prescription narcotics are in my families mind what killed her.  The nurse was very kind and advised me that she would give me a very small dose.  She told me that because of the amount of pain I was in, there was no way I was going to get a high from it because the medication actually worked on the pain receptors.  I understood that, and I was grateful that she convinced me to do it.  I rested for the rest of the time until I was finished with my IV.  They then advised me that I would be going home but would be back every 12 hours throughout the weekend until I could be seen by my family Dr on Monday. 

I must admit, the hardest day was on Sunday.  Each visit in the ER I had a different Dr.  The Dr's were great.  The Dr on Sunday was very sarcastic.  I understood him, but after being in the ER and listening to people thru the curtain, there were some that did not appreciate his humor.  When he made his round to my curtain, he knew that he could get a culture, and he was determined to get a culture.  My sweet friend took me on Sunday and he came in and he squoze until he could get a sample.  He got the sample and I was in so much pain, I thought I would die.  He had the nurse give me morphine in my IV.  The sad thing, is that it didn't touch the pain I was in, so they gave me a new dose.  That lasted me for a while.  But, after the 4 hour infusion, I was ready for more pain meds. 

My favorite part of my visits were the nurses!  They were awesome.  These young girls were so kind and took such good care of me.  I was told by more than one nurse that they loved taking care of me because it is not very often they get a pleasant patient. 

On Monday, I saw my Family Dr and he lined me up with home health.  They taught me how to administer my own IV's and I was good until Tuesday, I blew the vein where the IV was going.  The home health care nurses advised me that the antibiotics that I had going thru my veins was not good for the small veins.  The nurse came in and got a new IV started but suggested a PICC line.  She called my Dr and he advised them that we would just watch it.  Well, Wednesday, I blew another vein, the last of my good ones.  I called home health and they called my Dr.  My Dr then made the decision to just "pull the IV's" and do oral antibiotics.  I was still taking pain meds every 4 hours with a low grade fever, I was not comfortable with that decision.  I called back in to LDS Hospital and they took over my care once again.  I got in there and they decided that I needed a PICC line so I was taken up to the infusion services floor and there I had a PICC line placed.  I will admit, it is so much easier to do, and I no longer need to be poked.  I am on IV antibiotics until at least Monday.  I felt better about the decision.

I have had a mess of emotions thru this.  On Friday, I felt so stupid going to the ER for a small infection.  My husband had a game on Friday night and all I could think of is that we needed to hurry so he could have the car.  On Saturday, I didn't want to put anyone out so I waited to go to the ER until I just couldn't handle it.  On Sunday, my sweet friend took me and sat with me and was so caring.  When my friend came in to bring me home on Sunday she saw my house.  Needless to say, she got my Ward involved and we have had helpers bring in meals and help my kids clean.

It was a rough week.  My kids have been good for the most part, but there have been a couple rough moments where they have been down right mean to me.  I have been called a "jerk", I have been told to "shut up", and been told that I need to be helping them clean.  I have been told that I should be grateful for my husband because he is the only one that worked this week. 

Two nights ago, our family had a huge blow out.  That night I had had enough.  I left my house to be with my friends.  I had no energy but told them I just needed to sit somewhere dark and quiet.  So, there I sat.  I had finally had enough and my pain was getting worse so they brought me home.  I walked in to my home and all HELL broke loose.  My own husband told me to shut up, and called me a jerk.  This is the man that should in all rights be fighting to keep his marriage.  My daughters were awful and cruel to me.  I struggled to find anyone in my home that actually cared for me.  When it came time to do my nighttime infusion I had had it.  I was done, and I didn't care if I lived or died.  Why would I care, because no one else did?  So, I sent a text to my therapist and she gave me the crisis hotline number.  I also had sent a text to my sweet friend that had spent the day with me on Sunday and she called me.  I promised her I would do the IV. 

I have been going thru some things that are very personal and very private.  Things that even being anonymous to most of the cyber world still leaves me at a loss for words on this blog.  Because, there are still some of you that know of my identity.  I know that the ones that know of my identity are very dear people that would not judge, but still so many things that cannot be spoken. 

We had our last scheduled appointment with our marriage therapist.  We did not schedule any further because my husband has chosen to pursue another job that forces him to work while our therapist is working.  I am still numb to a lot of things.  To be honest, it doesn't matter how I feel about this choice that he made, I just have to pray that he knows what he is doing.  Realistically, no matter what happens, he is an adult that can make his own choices.  I really don't think that we are strong enough to go at this on our own.  But, what do I know?  My husband says that things will be different.  So, I am once again, going to therapy on my own.  Fixing my own stuff! 

I was asked if I was punishing my husband and that is why I wasn't happy that he got this new job.  I have thought about that a lot, and honestly, I sat up until 1:00 in the morning crying as I talked with my husband.  My husband was given this job.  In my mind, he was handed a "fish".  Granted, he was handed a "fish" at the DI, but with that "fish", they were willing to help him grow, or "learn to fish".  He hasn't been "fishing" long enough, I really don't know that he is ready to go at it on his own.  He fought his job at the DI tooth and nail the entire 3 months he was there.  He didn't take advantage of the "fishing lessons" so to speak.  My husband is 52 and doesn't know how to work! 

In our session today, I really tried to stay focused as my husband talked "sports".  It was our last session, so much needs to be said, and now, much of it will be left unsaid.  As a Mom of all girls, I am watching my little ones grow.  My oldest is now in college.  She is consumed with her future "career".  In her mind, her career choice is in medical because then she doesn't have to work a lot of hours and still be a Mom.  My 2nd is challenged with difficulty learning.  Education does not come easy for her.  Don't get me wrong, she is a brilliant young woman, for her!  She was our preemie, I am honored to be her Mom because her first 2 weeks of life, I wondered if I ever would be able to be her Mom as she struggled with life.   What she has done with her life, will always be incredible, from that tiny one that fought for life.  I don't know if she will go to college.  Her dream career is to be a MOM.  She even talks about taking care of her older sister's kids while she works.  She just wants to be  MOM.  Nothing else.  She has learned to sew and cook, because that is what she wants to be!  My girls have not had a good role model for a Dad.  They are confused.  Between these two daughters, I have one that is like me, has to figure it out on her own, and her husband will just be extra!,  Then, I have another that will need to rely heavily on a Husband!  I had to remind my oldest that her role is to only Help support her family, not to support her family.  These daughters are my world, my life, and the reason why I will continue growing thru this trial.