I have been going thru some things that are very personal and very private.  Things that even being anonymous to most of the cyber world still leaves me at a loss for words on this blog.  Because, there are still some of you that know of my identity.  I know that the ones that know of my identity are very dear people that would not judge, but still so many things that cannot be spoken. 

We had our last scheduled appointment with our marriage therapist.  We did not schedule any further because my husband has chosen to pursue another job that forces him to work while our therapist is working.  I am still numb to a lot of things.  To be honest, it doesn't matter how I feel about this choice that he made, I just have to pray that he knows what he is doing.  Realistically, no matter what happens, he is an adult that can make his own choices.  I really don't think that we are strong enough to go at this on our own.  But, what do I know?  My husband says that things will be different.  So, I am once again, going to therapy on my own.  Fixing my own stuff! 

I was asked if I was punishing my husband and that is why I wasn't happy that he got this new job.  I have thought about that a lot, and honestly, I sat up until 1:00 in the morning crying as I talked with my husband.  My husband was given this job.  In my mind, he was handed a "fish".  Granted, he was handed a "fish" at the DI, but with that "fish", they were willing to help him grow, or "learn to fish".  He hasn't been "fishing" long enough, I really don't know that he is ready to go at it on his own.  He fought his job at the DI tooth and nail the entire 3 months he was there.  He didn't take advantage of the "fishing lessons" so to speak.  My husband is 52 and doesn't know how to work! 

In our session today, I really tried to stay focused as my husband talked "sports".  It was our last session, so much needs to be said, and now, much of it will be left unsaid.  As a Mom of all girls, I am watching my little ones grow.  My oldest is now in college.  She is consumed with her future "career".  In her mind, her career choice is in medical because then she doesn't have to work a lot of hours and still be a Mom.  My 2nd is challenged with difficulty learning.  Education does not come easy for her.  Don't get me wrong, she is a brilliant young woman, for her!  She was our preemie, I am honored to be her Mom because her first 2 weeks of life, I wondered if I ever would be able to be her Mom as she struggled with life.   What she has done with her life, will always be incredible, from that tiny one that fought for life.  I don't know if she will go to college.  Her dream career is to be a MOM.  She even talks about taking care of her older sister's kids while she works.  She just wants to be  MOM.  Nothing else.  She has learned to sew and cook, because that is what she wants to be!  My girls have not had a good role model for a Dad.  They are confused.  Between these two daughters, I have one that is like me, has to figure it out on her own, and her husband will just be extra!,  Then, I have another that will need to rely heavily on a Husband!  I had to remind my oldest that her role is to only Help support her family, not to support her family.  These daughters are my world, my life, and the reason why I will continue growing thru this trial.