I am still on IV antibiotics.  I am exhausted.  My family is ready for me to be done with this mess of a life.  I went back to work at both jobs.  The cleaning job wore me out and I was very cautious with my PICC line.  Being on IV's and having to sit for at least 1 1/2 hours while the medicine flows slowly thru my veins, I have a lot of time to reflect. 

As I have reflected, I have done some very deep thinking.  My mind has gone back to our last marriage therapy session.  I remember asking in our session, "why don't you want to take care of me?"  He keeps telling others that I am not the kind of girl that wants expensive things.  That's when I ask "what if I do want those kind of things?"  Why am I not worth that to him?  Last week after being sick for over a week, my husband had been gone all day and into the night as he had his day job, and then his sports.  Keep in mind, I had been on IV's for days, they had to cut my arm to put the PICC line in, my identity had been stolen, my medical records had been given to another person by a hospital staff member, and I was still supposed to work my job, be a Mom, clean the house, the dishes, the laundry.  My body hurt, I didn't even have peripheral vision until 4 days ago, you literally could have stood right next to me on my left side and I would not have seen you.  Back to my point, the question from our session, still ringing thru my mind-"why don't you want to take care of me?"  I pointed out that the entire time I had been sick, he had not been home, his comment "I am doing what you wanted me to do, you wanted me to work 24/7".  Ok, I did want him to get a "day job", but again, I ask "why don't you want to take care of me?"

When I think of this question, it brings up a lot of awful feelings.  Feelings of the past come flooding back which don't make for pleasant experiences.  Feelings for a desire to want to have been taken care of before, it didn't happen, so I made due with what I could do.  I took care of myself.