For some reason or another, life has become very hard. I am trying to figure out why all of a sudden but things seem to be coming at me at full speed and I feel like I have been hit by a truck pretty much daily.
This last week things got pretty bad. I went to the Dr and he increased my medication and asked me to follow up with my therapist. I have a safety plan in place but I don't really like it. It involves my husband giving me my medication for the month. I don't really like relying on him as he tends to do things on his time frame and not on mine. Needless to say, I have not been following the safety plan.
In DBT (dialectecal behavior therapy, which is a group that I have gone thru at least 2 times) you learn about making a life worth living. I have not figured out what would make my life worth living yet. There are a lot of changes. I need my changes to be gradual and not all at once. There are so many things.
In group last week we talked about disputing our distorted thinking. In one of my last sessions with my therapist we talked about Chastity and he then started disputing my distorted thinking for me. It wasn't until group last week that I understood that I was the one that needs to be doing the disputing and not my therapist. To me, that is an awful lot of thinking, to have a thought and then to figure out if the thought is right or not is too much.
We talk a lot about our abuse in group, which I get is good to get it out, but it can be very difficult to hear that your 'perpetrator' ( my own brother) groomed me to his satisfaction. He taught me what he wanted me to do thru threats and abuse. Then there were the times that he would make me feel special for being the 'favorite' sister'. This kind of talk is very difficult for me.
I have not seen my individual therapist for 2 weeks now. Tomorrow is my next session. It should be very interesting. There is a lot that I need to get off my chest. There is a lot that I need to tell him, and a lot that I need help understanding. I think the most important thing for me is that I need to understand. I have always been that way. That is unfortunate in some aspects of this because I try to understand my abuse, and that is when I realize that there is no understanding with this. There are things that I will never understand. Right now, I am not OK with that. I want to understand. I want the Lord to help me understand, I want my therapist to help me understand.
Hello my friend. I have been checking in with your blogs now and then. This one is particularly difficult for me so I read it in very small doses. My physiological response is a bit overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that as much as you do not understand, your self awareness has grown exponentially. Sometimes that is hard, especially if we don't like what we see and also because we can so clearly see the fights going on inside us. "I have to understand-- but no you don't... Yes I do! -- No!..." Do you know what I mean? I bet.
One thing that I am learning is the difference between the light and dark in my life. I am learning that immediately when I see the dark, I need to shift and focus onto the light. That is difficult-- except that I learned something new and it is helping me. I learned that those dark, troublesome thoughts are not really my thoughts unless I embrace them and take them on. That has helped me.
I think of you so often-- I'm sure daily. I am so sorry that I cannot be there for you. So much of what you have been through and shared about has been parallell to to what I am learning . It's like there is a string that keeps us connected even though we may not communicated for weeks or even months.
I have to go now. I'm meeting some people to run 12 miles today in Corner Canyon and it's going to be bitter with the wind. My heart is with you.