I met with my therapist on Saturday.  I can't help but think that my session was a waste of my money, but then again, I found some things that I did that need to be addressed, so it was worth it.  My therapist did a great job of controlling the intensity as he knew I could not do any more intense than what I had already been thru.  (I think, I can't speak for him!) 

This blog is for me to be able to get some of my thoughts and feelings out in the open, and thankfully, there are not many that know my identity so I can be open. 

I have struggled with physical contact for some time.  I cringe when my own children touch me, but when my husband touches, I am thru the roof.  My therapist has had me doing "exposure" therapy, which basically means, I allow my husband to touch me, even though I am "freaking out".  Because my life has been so intense, I put the "exposure" therapy on the back burner.  Unfortunately, my husband struggles with the "lack of" intimacy (to put it mildly).  I can't do intimacy.  I feel used and dirty.  My life is confused with what "love" is. 

There are days where I don't know how to live as a married woman, and mother.  There is a lot to work thru, and there are days where my emotions are so intense that my head hurts.  My heart races, and I hardly sleep.  I am still on guard pretty much 24-7.  In our group sessions we discuss these traits and I am not alone however there are days where I do feel very much alone.

I was released from my LDS calling in Nursery.  I have been trying to sustain myself spiritually by reading scriptures, doing all of the things that really should be helping to carry me thru these difficult times.  However, I have found that I cannot do it on my own.  I needed help from my Ward Family (which I love!), so I turned to my Bishop and Relief Society President and told them my desires and found that my Heavenly Father was OK with my release as well.

Sunday's are difficult days for me STILL!  I struggle during the Sacrament as I ask how I could possibly be worthy of the Savior's atoning sacrifice.  I am learning that the Sacrifice was already made, that I don't need to earn it, that he freely gave his life for me.   He also gave his life for my brother, which I am seriously struggling with, as I have tried so hard to follow the Savior my entire life.  I am working thru this--- I have to work thru one thing at a time and right now, I can't consume myself with my brother and his desires!