Sunday's always seem to be hard days for me.  Yesterday was no exception, and honestly, it seemed harder than it has been in a very long time.  The reason for this is because I went to another Ward to hear my nephew speak.  My nephew did a fabulous job.  My hard time was the Sacrament.  I have gotten to the point where I was comfortable with taking the sacrament but because I was not there with my Ward Family it was hard.  My Bishop knows my struggles and I found that I actually draw on him for more strength then I imagined.  I cried the entire Sacrament Service.  As the Sacrament was passed I wondered how I could possibly be worthy for such a blessing as the Savior's atoning sacrifice.  I also wondered what it would have been like to kneel at the feet of my Savior.  Would I have been the woman that wanted to touch his robe, or would I have been one that scoffed and scorned?  I hope and pray that I would have been the one to kneel at the feet.

I am working on me and trying to figure out the difference between my wants and needs.  It is very difficult being "codependent" to decipher my own needs when I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own.  Hence, the "game plan" that I talked about in my prior post is not really working out for me.  I do want to feel loved and wanted by my husband and family.  I want to be able to enjoy some of my life without stress.  I am not sure how that is going to happen.  Maybe it is not meant to be.  In DBT you learn about a "life worth living".  I want a "life worth living" where I am happy, and pleased with the direction my life is heading.

I went and saw the Dr for my foot that I injured in January.  My foot is still healing which makes my walks to the Temple very difficult.  I still have done it, it just takes me longer than I am used to.  My 15 minute mile is now more like a 20.  It's OK, the only one that I am racing against is myself.

That's what it is with life as well, The only one I am competing against is myself.  Unfortunately, I am pretty hard on myself so the competition is pretty steep.  My therapist asked me one day if I was ever going to meet the expectations that I have placed on myself.  Evidently, no one can meet my expectations.  I am working on those expectations.