I met with my Dr yesterday and he has started me on another medication to see if it will increase my mood.  After meeting with my Dr I then went to group therapy.  We talked about forgiveness.  I have been trying to forgive my brother for what he has done.  Some days are easier than others.  My brother is deceased.  My friend, who is dealing with confronting her father about her abuse made a very strong point of how blessed I am that my brother is deceased as she deals with facing her abuser in court.  Either way, it is hard to deal with.  The therapist over the group started talking to me about how I am juggling too much, that I can't continue to juggle all that I am juggling without getting some results or I will burn out and not be able to do anything.  I understand what she is saying, but I need to listen to my own therapist.    With some of the decisions that I  need to make, I am not going to go at them alone, I need my therapist to help me thru it.  I am not sure what direction I am going with my marriage, my finances, my personal therapy issues, etc.  I have to trust someone, and so I am trusting my therapist to guide me.   

On Sunday, I asked my Bishop some of my forgiveness questions.  I was with my husband and felt a little frustrated that my husband tried to answer my questions.  I felt as though if I wanted my husband to answer my questions I would not have wasted the Bishop's time.  I let my Bishop know of my frustration.  When I talked with the Stake President he indicated that he wanted me to keep in close contact with the Bishop.  When I let my Bishop know of my frustrations he indicated that we should probably meet every other week for a little while to discuss my religious questions.  My Bishop tends to pose some very deep thinking questions.  I appreciate all that he does for me.  Sometimes my brain just can't think any more. 

Earlier this week, the Bishop asked me about my struggles with prayer.  I pondered on the question that he was asking.  To be honest, I asked my inner child why I struggled with prayer.  When I was little I prayed for help, the help never came.  I prayed for love, it came in the wrong form.  I remember as a little girl praying that the "nightmares" would go away.  I would open my eyes and convince myself that it was just like a TV and when I opened up my eyes, I could change the channel.  I have tried to do that as an adult, however, the "nightmares" are still there.  Some nights, God does let me sleep.