I have found that there are more people on this blog that know my identity.  Please know that again, this blog is for me to write down my thoughts as it pertains to my life.  I truly love all that read this and know of my identity as just knowing you are there buoys me up. 

This week has been hard and it is only Wednesday.  As I mentioned, I saw my therapist on Saturday, I thought about my session and I was really nervous going to my session.  I didn't know why until I wrote my last blog post.  Last week, when I was really down, I turned to my family Dr for additional help.  My family Dr is a great man and has seen me thru a lot.  Well, when I came in feeling down he kind of "freaked out".  He would not let me leave until he had talked with my therapist.  Needless to say, I was there quite a while as we talked about the options that the Dr felt good about.  My therapist, being the good man that he is, returned my Dr's call and the Dr increased my meds and sent me on my way to follow up with my therapist.  Well, it is hard to have 2 people that I respect very much talk about me.  I understand they are doing what is in my best interest, but I am still very much a control freak and want to do so much of it on my own.  Yes, I know that doesn't work to do things on your own but it takes a lot of baby steps and quite honestly, every day is a chore for me right now. 

During my last session, I sat on my hands and kept my legs crossed the entire time.  I found that I closed myself off from my therapist.  When he would ask hard questions, I would look up to the picture on the wall behind him.  I did look him in the eyes a couple of times, he has amazing blue eyes, but the abstract painting on the wall behind him got more attention than his eyes.  To me, this means that there were some things that I did not want to discuss and I closed myself up to my therapist.  That is what I meant when I indicated that I wasted my money because I do truly love and respect my therapist for EVERYTHING he does for me.  He is very gentle but therapy is very hard work and right now I am going thru some very hard things.

In our AMAC group we talked about grief and getting stuck in certain ages.  When someone makes you feel small, basically your inner child is suffering.  I struggle with my "inner child" because I am a Mom and and Adult, not someone that should be dealing with my "inner child".  What I learned last night was that I would not disregard my daughter if she came to me and told me that someone had hurt her so why am I doing the same thing to myself. 

Inner Child work is hard and I have not even really started because I am still working thru the present.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I don't know what it holds for my children, my marriage, or my parents.  The uncertainty is very scary for me.  It is like taking a step in the dark and not having any lights on.  I know that the Lord is there for me but I struggle with that trust.  Again, it is that "let me do it myself" attitude.  How do I let people help?  How do I "let go" like my therapist asks of me?  I don't know.  If someone could please help me that would be great!