So much has gone on since my last post.  My little one had major hip surgery at the age of 6.  It is so hard to see your little one in pain and to know that the only thing you can do is hope that the medicine kicks in soon and to comfort them.  My heart hurts everytime I hear her cry.  I took last week off work to be with my little one while she was in the hospital.  It meant more than the world to me to be able to have that opportunity to just be me and her for 5 days.  I am back to work this week and my heart longs to be there with her.  Don't get me wrong, Grandma's are great, but all I have ever dreamed of was to be a Mom.  Not a working Mom, but a Mom that gets to stay home, help her kids with homework, be there when they get out of school and hear all about the excitement of their day.  The kind of Mom that cleans the house and cooks the meal while her husband works to provide for the family.  The problem is, I didn't get that option.  But, last week, I did get that option, last week I was able to spend one on one time with my little one.  I could tell you what she likes, what she doesn't like, I could tell you that when she starts to hurt really bad, she gets grumpy and mean (yes, I was told on Friday that she didn't like me and to leave her room, before we left the hospital.)  I left the room for a few minutes, had a good cry and the nurse consoled me and told me that every Mom is told that.

The day before my daughters surgery, I found porn on my phone again.  My husband said it was an accident.  I don't know what to believe any more.  My emotions were already on overdrive and I just sat and cried and advised him that I couldn't handle, his crap and my daughter's surgery all at the same time.  Any time I want to discuss the issue with my husband he tells me again, that it was an accident and that I should believe him.  I don't know what to think any more.

While I was with my little one at the hospital for 4 days, my husband and other 3 children were home.  They would come in and visit every night.  I heard every night from them before bed how mean they were being to each other.  I heard how my little one is my favorite from each one of the other children.  I came home and found my home a disaster area.  No dishes were done, no garbage was taken out, the only laundry that was done was when my teenager needed her specific pants cleaned. 

I can honestly say, I am exhausted.  I cry daily.  There are days where it takes all that I have to get my little one to the bathroom, only to find that I need to do it again and again.  When I am home, I am at her beckon call.  Sometimes, it gets really frustrating. 

I haven't done my therapy homework for a week.  When I met with him on Saturday he advised me that it was OK to not have done that as he knew my emotions were on overdrive.  It's time to get back in to the swing of things which means I need to get that homework done.  Right now, we are doing some inner child work.  It is very hard and requires a lot of time and energy.  I find when I don't do my homework, I think about it all week, so I need to just do it so that it doesn't haunt me.

My homework assignment for therapy was to write a letter to my Heavenly Father.  It was easier said than done and I will need to do a lot of processing with my therapist but my letter is below.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am grateful to you for all of the many blessings that you have given me.  I am grateful for the Gospel and for the many blessings that you have given me.  I am grateful for my family and my friends, for my home, and all of the other comforts that you have given me to enjoy this life here on this Earth.

At this time, I have been asked to write you a letter and tell you some of my feelings.  As you are aware I have been haunted by flashbacks of abuse as a child.  These flashbacks have been terrifying to me.  I am trying to understand, why me? why now?  Before I started these flashbacks I believed I had an awesome childhood, now I am forced to believe differently.  I had such a strong testimony; I felt that I was strong in the Gospel and that I could face anything that was given me.  I never thought that my heart would fail me.  I never believed that I was one of the elect; I thought that that title was saved for someone else.  I am trying so hard to make it thru this mist of darkness and I am holding on to the Iron Rod for dear life.  There are some days where I just have to let go.  Thankfully you have sent people that will hold my hand and help me to place my hand back on the rod. 

Heavenly Father, this abuse has caused me to question who I really am.  Am I really a daughter of God?  I have been told that you cannot interfere with someone’s agency.  Where was my help?  What about my agency?  In primary we sing that “I am a child of God, with parents kind and dear”, what if there were times when my parents weren’t kind?  I know they had a lot on their plate with 7 kids, 2 that were wayward.  Why did my parents have to work on Temple Square and leave me at my brother’s mercy every Friday night?  I thought when people were in the Temple that their family had a special protection.  Why didn’t that happen for me?  I have so many mixed emotions as I write this letter.  I have thought about this letter all week.  I didn’t want to put all my anger out on you, but my therapist says “you can handle it”.  Heavenly Father, I am angry.  I am angry that I was not protected.  I am angry that no one would listen to me when I tried to tell.  I am angry that I lived in fear of losing my family.  I am angry that I don’t know what a “loving Heavenly Father” is, because a “loving Heavenly Father” would have been there.  I feel so alone.  In the scriptures I read that you will not leave me “comfortless” but where is the comfort right now when I need it the most?

This abuse is destroying me and my family right now.  There is so much going on in our lives that it is just one more thing.  That one more thing is causing my burden to be so heavy.  My therapist keeps telling me to “let go and let God”.  I don’t know how. 

I know that people say that when you are thru with your trial you will recognize that you carried them.  I think that right now I am still too much in the “mist of darkness” to see that.  I am slowly beginning to understand why I need to work thru this.  I don’t want to take this with me into the next life.  I want to be free of this burden.  I want to know that I have been forgiven, and I want to know that I have forgiven my brother. 

I do want to thank you for sending me people along the way to help me with this.  I have been blessed.

These things I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I have a friend that asked me to make sure that I wasn't quitting therapy for the wrong reason.  That maybe there was something that I was avoiding, that I was getting close to going deeper.  Well, I went to my session and we had a great session.  My therapist definitely makes me think.  I am still working thru some of my thoughts from the session.

Yesterday, as I was trying to just deal with the Sabbath and the thoughts that brings up I was approaced by a neighbor regarding my nephew.  We had a good long talk.  After I left him, I went into the overflow and cried.  I prayed for strength to make it to Relief Society.  I wanted to go home, but my therapist always tells me to do the "opposite of what I want to do".  So, thankfully I had enough strength to go to Relief Society.  The lesson was on the Sacrament.  Probably one of the most sacred experiences next to the Temple that one can have.  I pondered.

I got home from church and proceeded to watch Forrest Gump.  Now, one might say that Forrest Gump is a pretty safe movie to watch.  However, it threw me into a flashback.  I cried as I suffered thru my flashback.  I did not want to do anything, I had no energy, it was all I could do to fix dinner, and even then we ate much later than I wanted.  I think that the day was just the perfect storm for me to have an emotional breakdown.

So, I decided yesterday, after many tears, that I have to be done with therapy.  I can't afford it, and I can't put my family thru any more financial stress.  We are all pretty much on overload as it is.  I can't make ends meet right now and that is very stressful for me.  It doesn't seem to concern my husband however, but that is another story. 

I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I quit thru text.  I can't bring myself to say goodbye to my therapist.  That's when a lot of the tears come.  I read thru my therapy goals yesterday, there were a lot of them, I didn't meet very many of them (if any at all).  My Bishop asked to meet with me on a weekly basis, or bi-weekly basis.  I haven't responded.  After I quit therapy, I thought about meeting with the Bishop, and I just can't do that either.  I feel my Bishop can be very judgemental of me.  He already knows way too much about me, I think it is best to just let him be the Bishop of the ward and to let me be.

Please don't ask me what I am going to do, because right now, I am living day to day.

I have to admit, I feel anxiety on a daily basis.  Today is no exception.  I avoid a lot of things, things that I don't like, things that trigger me, etc.  There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that I cannot avoid and my emotions are on overdrive.  I have a sick feeling most of the day.  Because of my addiction to perfection, if I can't do it perfectly, I just don't do it.  (yes, I know that is not the way to live!)  I stay awake nights trying to sort out the budget in my head.  I know how much my paychecks are and I know what I have to pay and then I get sick.  I constantly have butterflies in my stomach.  I don't know how I am going to manage these finances.  I am stressed that I may have to stop therapy because I no longer can afford it.  Then I sit and think, if I don't have therapy then what will my quality of life be.  I have been told that I have the skills necessary to survive, but to be honest, when you are in the heat of the battle, you are not thinking of your skills, you are thinking of a way out.  I ask myself all the time, what are my coping skills?  I become so overwhelmed that I usually just isolate and cry.  I don't sleep much, that is even with medical help.  I constantly binge eat, so yes I am gaining weight, which sucks.  My foot is finally healed enough that I can start walking again, but then my energy is gone.  I need to find the love of walking again.  I need to find a desire to live my life.  I don't know how to do this alone, even though others have told me that I can.  There is just too much going on right now.  I can't carry it anymore.

It was a really long weekend filled with the viewing and the funeral of my nephew.  I haven't really allowed myself to feel yet.  I was blessed to have many friends attend the viewing just for me and to support me. 

Once again, I watched my parents mourn the passing of yet another family member.  This boy was like a son to them as they raised him for the last 5 years.  My parents will miss him deeply.  We as a family are grateful for the many blessings that have been poured out upon us. 

For me, this has been a roller coaster ride.  I stood by his casket and supported his family and his friends, but I couldn't bring myself to say Goodbye to him.  My focus was on my parents, not on me and my emotional well being.  A part of me was grateful that now my brother and his wife get to raise him, I think that was more out of spite than compassion.  My parents did all they could for the troubled young man.  He missed his parents deeply.  Please don't get me wrong, I did have feelings for the boy.  Every time I saw him, I tried to work thru the "trigger" as much as I possibly could.  A lot of times, I avoided the "trigger", which meant I avoided him.  The feeling was mutual I'm sure because his parents didn't have anything to do with me either.  I don't know if I didn't feel safe because of him, or I didn't feel safe because of my brother.  I will have to work thru this with my therapist.

Lots of thoughts going thru my mind the last couple of days.  My nephew, the son of my brother that raped me, passed away.  This nephew and I did not get along.  He was very threatening to me and to be honest, I was scared for the safety of me and my family because of him.  He lived with my parents and so my parents don't know about the abuse by my brother because of the safety concerns.

I have been going over and over in my head my thoughts.  I am saddened at his death because he was young and he was family.  I am saddened for my parents, at the same time I am grateful for them because my nephew was a very big trial for them.  I am saddened for his brother, at the same time I am grateful for him because now he doesn't need to live in fear of his brother.  Yesterday, the brother, who is handicapped, was so grateful that he didn't find his brother dead because "he would have blamed me".  It was a long day filled with medical examiners, police, young high school kids, grieving parents and grandson, family, cemetary and mortuary.  I came home exhausted.  Needless to say, Little Caesars came thru once again for family dinner.

Now on to my thoughts.  I am relieved at his passing, I am saddened for a boy so young.  I have fear and shock, and I am numb all at the same time.  I thought that now I can tell my parents and not feel afraid for his "aftermath", at the same time, I question what if I don't get validated (which is common with my parents.)  I have also gone thru the thoughts, that maybe this didn't happen, it is not real, it can't be.  Then I sit with my brothers and plan a funeral and I am assured by some of the comments that were said that it is real, this did happen, and yes, the only reason why I am alive today is because of therapy.  So, please don't ask me again if I think "therapy is working".