It was a really long weekend filled with the viewing and the funeral of my nephew.  I haven't really allowed myself to feel yet.  I was blessed to have many friends attend the viewing just for me and to support me. 

Once again, I watched my parents mourn the passing of yet another family member.  This boy was like a son to them as they raised him for the last 5 years.  My parents will miss him deeply.  We as a family are grateful for the many blessings that have been poured out upon us. 

For me, this has been a roller coaster ride.  I stood by his casket and supported his family and his friends, but I couldn't bring myself to say Goodbye to him.  My focus was on my parents, not on me and my emotional well being.  A part of me was grateful that now my brother and his wife get to raise him, I think that was more out of spite than compassion.  My parents did all they could for the troubled young man.  He missed his parents deeply.  Please don't get me wrong, I did have feelings for the boy.  Every time I saw him, I tried to work thru the "trigger" as much as I possibly could.  A lot of times, I avoided the "trigger", which meant I avoided him.  The feeling was mutual I'm sure because his parents didn't have anything to do with me either.  I don't know if I didn't feel safe because of him, or I didn't feel safe because of my brother.  I will have to work thru this with my therapist.