My homework assignment for therapy was to write a letter to my Heavenly Father.  It was easier said than done and I will need to do a lot of processing with my therapist but my letter is below.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am grateful to you for all of the many blessings that you have given me.  I am grateful for the Gospel and for the many blessings that you have given me.  I am grateful for my family and my friends, for my home, and all of the other comforts that you have given me to enjoy this life here on this Earth.

At this time, I have been asked to write you a letter and tell you some of my feelings.  As you are aware I have been haunted by flashbacks of abuse as a child.  These flashbacks have been terrifying to me.  I am trying to understand, why me? why now?  Before I started these flashbacks I believed I had an awesome childhood, now I am forced to believe differently.  I had such a strong testimony; I felt that I was strong in the Gospel and that I could face anything that was given me.  I never thought that my heart would fail me.  I never believed that I was one of the elect; I thought that that title was saved for someone else.  I am trying so hard to make it thru this mist of darkness and I am holding on to the Iron Rod for dear life.  There are some days where I just have to let go.  Thankfully you have sent people that will hold my hand and help me to place my hand back on the rod. 

Heavenly Father, this abuse has caused me to question who I really am.  Am I really a daughter of God?  I have been told that you cannot interfere with someone’s agency.  Where was my help?  What about my agency?  In primary we sing that “I am a child of God, with parents kind and dear”, what if there were times when my parents weren’t kind?  I know they had a lot on their plate with 7 kids, 2 that were wayward.  Why did my parents have to work on Temple Square and leave me at my brother’s mercy every Friday night?  I thought when people were in the Temple that their family had a special protection.  Why didn’t that happen for me?  I have so many mixed emotions as I write this letter.  I have thought about this letter all week.  I didn’t want to put all my anger out on you, but my therapist says “you can handle it”.  Heavenly Father, I am angry.  I am angry that I was not protected.  I am angry that no one would listen to me when I tried to tell.  I am angry that I lived in fear of losing my family.  I am angry that I don’t know what a “loving Heavenly Father” is, because a “loving Heavenly Father” would have been there.  I feel so alone.  In the scriptures I read that you will not leave me “comfortless” but where is the comfort right now when I need it the most?

This abuse is destroying me and my family right now.  There is so much going on in our lives that it is just one more thing.  That one more thing is causing my burden to be so heavy.  My therapist keeps telling me to “let go and let God”.  I don’t know how. 

I know that people say that when you are thru with your trial you will recognize that you carried them.  I think that right now I am still too much in the “mist of darkness” to see that.  I am slowly beginning to understand why I need to work thru this.  I don’t want to take this with me into the next life.  I want to be free of this burden.  I want to know that I have been forgiven, and I want to know that I have forgiven my brother. 

I do want to thank you for sending me people along the way to help me with this.  I have been blessed.

These things I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.