So much has gone on since my last post.  My little one had major hip surgery at the age of 6.  It is so hard to see your little one in pain and to know that the only thing you can do is hope that the medicine kicks in soon and to comfort them.  My heart hurts everytime I hear her cry.  I took last week off work to be with my little one while she was in the hospital.  It meant more than the world to me to be able to have that opportunity to just be me and her for 5 days.  I am back to work this week and my heart longs to be there with her.  Don't get me wrong, Grandma's are great, but all I have ever dreamed of was to be a Mom.  Not a working Mom, but a Mom that gets to stay home, help her kids with homework, be there when they get out of school and hear all about the excitement of their day.  The kind of Mom that cleans the house and cooks the meal while her husband works to provide for the family.  The problem is, I didn't get that option.  But, last week, I did get that option, last week I was able to spend one on one time with my little one.  I could tell you what she likes, what she doesn't like, I could tell you that when she starts to hurt really bad, she gets grumpy and mean (yes, I was told on Friday that she didn't like me and to leave her room, before we left the hospital.)  I left the room for a few minutes, had a good cry and the nurse consoled me and told me that every Mom is told that.

The day before my daughters surgery, I found porn on my phone again.  My husband said it was an accident.  I don't know what to believe any more.  My emotions were already on overdrive and I just sat and cried and advised him that I couldn't handle, his crap and my daughter's surgery all at the same time.  Any time I want to discuss the issue with my husband he tells me again, that it was an accident and that I should believe him.  I don't know what to think any more.

While I was with my little one at the hospital for 4 days, my husband and other 3 children were home.  They would come in and visit every night.  I heard every night from them before bed how mean they were being to each other.  I heard how my little one is my favorite from each one of the other children.  I came home and found my home a disaster area.  No dishes were done, no garbage was taken out, the only laundry that was done was when my teenager needed her specific pants cleaned. 

I can honestly say, I am exhausted.  I cry daily.  There are days where it takes all that I have to get my little one to the bathroom, only to find that I need to do it again and again.  When I am home, I am at her beckon call.  Sometimes, it gets really frustrating. 

I haven't done my therapy homework for a week.  When I met with him on Saturday he advised me that it was OK to not have done that as he knew my emotions were on overdrive.  It's time to get back in to the swing of things which means I need to get that homework done.  Right now, we are doing some inner child work.  It is very hard and requires a lot of time and energy.  I find when I don't do my homework, I think about it all week, so I need to just do it so that it doesn't haunt me.