Lots of thoughts going thru my mind the last couple of days.  My nephew, the son of my brother that raped me, passed away.  This nephew and I did not get along.  He was very threatening to me and to be honest, I was scared for the safety of me and my family because of him.  He lived with my parents and so my parents don't know about the abuse by my brother because of the safety concerns.

I have been going over and over in my head my thoughts.  I am saddened at his death because he was young and he was family.  I am saddened for my parents, at the same time I am grateful for them because my nephew was a very big trial for them.  I am saddened for his brother, at the same time I am grateful for him because now he doesn't need to live in fear of his brother.  Yesterday, the brother, who is handicapped, was so grateful that he didn't find his brother dead because "he would have blamed me".  It was a long day filled with medical examiners, police, young high school kids, grieving parents and grandson, family, cemetary and mortuary.  I came home exhausted.  Needless to say, Little Caesars came thru once again for family dinner.

Now on to my thoughts.  I am relieved at his passing, I am saddened for a boy so young.  I have fear and shock, and I am numb all at the same time.  I thought that now I can tell my parents and not feel afraid for his "aftermath", at the same time, I question what if I don't get validated (which is common with my parents.)  I have also gone thru the thoughts, that maybe this didn't happen, it is not real, it can't be.  Then I sit with my brothers and plan a funeral and I am assured by some of the comments that were said that it is real, this did happen, and yes, the only reason why I am alive today is because of therapy.  So, please don't ask me again if I think "therapy is working".