I am numb.  I have been numb for a couple of days.  I went to my therapy session on Saturday.  We talked about my marriage.  He asked me not to make any decisions without consulting him and my Bishop.  I promised I wouldn't.  He mentioned that I was in a different mood than I have been in a very long time.  I started a new medication, it is supposed to bring me out of this funk.  I want to get out of this funk but then there are some things that I don't want to feel.  It is not good for me to be numb.  This causes me to self injure so I feel something, even pain is better than feeling numb. 

My boss has been riding me and he has noticed my lack of emotion.  It bothers him.  I told him once that I was trying.  He keeps telling me that "trying" is not good enough.  In DBT we learn that we are doing our best, so if I am doing my best, then nothing I do is good enough.  I don't understand!  If trying is not good enough, and doing my best is not good enough, then what in the HELL am I doing.

I met with my Dr yesterday and he has started me on another medication to see if it will increase my mood.  After meeting with my Dr I then went to group therapy.  We talked about forgiveness.  I have been trying to forgive my brother for what he has done.  Some days are easier than others.  My brother is deceased.  My friend, who is dealing with confronting her father about her abuse made a very strong point of how blessed I am that my brother is deceased as she deals with facing her abuser in court.  Either way, it is hard to deal with.  The therapist over the group started talking to me about how I am juggling too much, that I can't continue to juggle all that I am juggling without getting some results or I will burn out and not be able to do anything.  I understand what she is saying, but I need to listen to my own therapist.    With some of the decisions that I  need to make, I am not going to go at them alone, I need my therapist to help me thru it.  I am not sure what direction I am going with my marriage, my finances, my personal therapy issues, etc.  I have to trust someone, and so I am trusting my therapist to guide me.   

On Sunday, I asked my Bishop some of my forgiveness questions.  I was with my husband and felt a little frustrated that my husband tried to answer my questions.  I felt as though if I wanted my husband to answer my questions I would not have wasted the Bishop's time.  I let my Bishop know of my frustration.  When I talked with the Stake President he indicated that he wanted me to keep in close contact with the Bishop.  When I let my Bishop know of my frustrations he indicated that we should probably meet every other week for a little while to discuss my religious questions.  My Bishop tends to pose some very deep thinking questions.  I appreciate all that he does for me.  Sometimes my brain just can't think any more. 

Earlier this week, the Bishop asked me about my struggles with prayer.  I pondered on the question that he was asking.  To be honest, I asked my inner child why I struggled with prayer.  When I was little I prayed for help, the help never came.  I prayed for love, it came in the wrong form.  I remember as a little girl praying that the "nightmares" would go away.  I would open my eyes and convince myself that it was just like a TV and when I opened up my eyes, I could change the channel.  I have tried to do that as an adult, however, the "nightmares" are still there.  Some nights, God does let me sleep.

I talked with my Therapist on Saturday about "inner child work".  I thought it was a pretty simple session, we didn't talk much about deep things, or so I thought.  I left not knowing what to think about the progress of my session.  I pondered on my session and what was said and then the "real work" began and I found that my session was harder than I thought.  I was a complete mess on Saturday night.  I did an awful lot of crying as I pondered on my childhood, forgiveness, etc.  I am very blessed to have such an awesome therapist that will use Gospel Principles with me so that I can understand my religion a little bit better.  I am not saying that my therapist is easy on me because he is anything but easy, but he is very sympathetic with me and understands how to help me thru this. 

I have a sweet friend that is going to school to be a social worker.  I talked with her on Saturday.  I told her some of my issues.  I told her about my thoughts and she too was very sympathetic, on Saturday night, when I was in the "depths of despair" I reached out to this sweet friend and was able to get the strength that I needed to continue going.  She did for me that night more than she could have imagined.

I met with the Stake President last night.  He wanted to discuss my marriage and my abuse and the burdens that I have been asked to carry right now.  We talked about my problems with prayer, and with trust and then we read some scriptures.  I felt very vulnerable.  I still feel as though I can't believe I told him anything.  I hardly know him, but yet I hear my therapist in my head telling me to "trust my priesthood leaders."  I cried a lot.  We closed with prayer and he then advised me that I needed to keep in closer contact with my Bishop.  It feels like just one more thing that I need to do.  I came home and showered and snuggled with my new little lamb.  I slept some.

Yesterday, I was working and a constable served me papers for one of my husband's debts.  My name did not appear anywhere on the debt but because it was "medically necessary" and we are still married, the debt became mine.  I right now am swimming in debt and I am the only one working.  I don't know what I am going to do. 

My little one is still struggling with her hips.  Some days are better than others.  My heart hurts for her.

Went to group therapy last night.  We did some inner child work. It was really hard work.  With inner child work, she had us draw a picture of ourselves using our left hand.  It was easier said than done.  Then we were to hold a conversation with our inner child.  Our adult self asking the question with our right hand, and our inner child answering with our left hand.  It was quite the experience.  I really have to build up some trust with this inner child which again is easier said than done. 

While I was discussing some things with my inner child I was reminded of my favorite hiding place as a child.  I would hide in the dryer.  I remember one day my Grandpa coming to visit.  He proceeded to show me what would happen if someone turned on the dryer if I was in there I would get burned.  I never hid in the dryer after that.  I was also reminded of my "baby blanket".  I lost it when I was little.  My parents tried to get me a blanket to replace it, but it wasn't the same.  The replacement was scratchy where my other blanket was soft.  I also remembered snuggling with my favorite little lamb.  It was something that I cherished.  To be honest, I went right out after my session last night to find me a lamb to hopefully help my inner child heal from her past.

I was called to meet with the Stake President tonight.  I am a little nervous.  I am not sure what to expect.

I asked my therapist on Saturday if he was OK with me texting him because I do tend to text him on a daily basis.  He said it was fine.  He doesn't respond but we do discuss my texts in our next session which is fine too.  My therapist is a good man.  We always talk gospel principles, which I love because I need to have the Gospel in my life.  I need to know how things relate, and I need to know that I am going to come to know my Savior on a very personal level. 

Yesterday, instead of the Sabbath being hard for me, I was numb.  I was numb thru most of my meetings and even when I met with my Bishop, until the last 20 minutes of our talk.  Then, I started to feel and it hurt.  It hurts to tell others about what is going on in my life, and sometimes, it hurts to hear their opinions and advice. 

My therapist asked me to have a family council to discuss some of my boundary issues.  However, he then asked me to talk this over with my Bishop.  I did that and the Bishop needed some time to think about this family council.  He doesn't want to make things worse for me or my family and I understand that completely.

Last night, I hit a breaking point.  I advised my husband that I needed some help.  I need some help from him, and I need some help from my kids.  Right now, there is just too much stress coming down on me.  I am so close to admitting myself to the hospital because I just can't take much more.  As I voiced my frustration to my husband I broke down and cried.  Sometimes, there is just too much to carry. 

In a group session a couple weeks ago a woman shared an analogy of this particular trial as a journey up a hill with a back pack on my back.  Last night as I laid crying on my husband's shoulder I told him that I just need to take my back pack off for just a little bit.  Right now, my back pack seems so heavy, I don't have the energy to carry it up the hill any further.  So, last night, I laid my back pack down and fell asleep.  Today is a new day and my journey still seems long, but I was able to pick up my back pack this morning and proceed up this hill.

Sunday's always seem to be hard days for me.  Yesterday was no exception, and honestly, it seemed harder than it has been in a very long time.  The reason for this is because I went to another Ward to hear my nephew speak.  My nephew did a fabulous job.  My hard time was the Sacrament.  I have gotten to the point where I was comfortable with taking the sacrament but because I was not there with my Ward Family it was hard.  My Bishop knows my struggles and I found that I actually draw on him for more strength then I imagined.  I cried the entire Sacrament Service.  As the Sacrament was passed I wondered how I could possibly be worthy for such a blessing as the Savior's atoning sacrifice.  I also wondered what it would have been like to kneel at the feet of my Savior.  Would I have been the woman that wanted to touch his robe, or would I have been one that scoffed and scorned?  I hope and pray that I would have been the one to kneel at the feet.

I am working on me and trying to figure out the difference between my wants and needs.  It is very difficult being "codependent" to decipher my own needs when I put everyone else's needs ahead of my own.  Hence, the "game plan" that I talked about in my prior post is not really working out for me.  I do want to feel loved and wanted by my husband and family.  I want to be able to enjoy some of my life without stress.  I am not sure how that is going to happen.  Maybe it is not meant to be.  In DBT you learn about a "life worth living".  I want a "life worth living" where I am happy, and pleased with the direction my life is heading.

I went and saw the Dr for my foot that I injured in January.  My foot is still healing which makes my walks to the Temple very difficult.  I still have done it, it just takes me longer than I am used to.  My 15 minute mile is now more like a 20.  It's OK, the only one that I am racing against is myself.

That's what it is with life as well, The only one I am competing against is myself.  Unfortunately, I am pretty hard on myself so the competition is pretty steep.  My therapist asked me one day if I was ever going to meet the expectations that I have placed on myself.  Evidently, no one can meet my expectations.  I am working on those expectations.

Had my weekly therapy session.  It was good.  We talked a lot and I was more open with the things that are going on in my home.  He has asked me to come up with a "game plan" and to be honest, with the hard things that I have to do, I am grateful that I have someone that is willing to help me implement my game plan.  My "game plan" has to include some very difficult things for me to do, things that are going to hurt.  I read somewhere that "change" hurts but to avoid the "change" hurts more in the long run.  Well, I don't really like pain and the "change's" that I need to make, just thinking of them makes my heart hurt. 

I wish I knew what the future held for me and my family.  That would be really nice because right now we are doing very hard things, and as the Bishop pointed out this trial would not be ending very soon.  I am scared of the uncertainty.  I am scared of the future, but I have to have HOPE.  I have to hope that I can have a brighter future.  That I can strengthen my family, as well as myself, and Hope to come out stronger than I could have ever imagined.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and because of that, my Heavenly Father has a brighter plan for me (wish I knew what it was!!!).  I am not very patient and I don't want to wait until the next life to know what Heavenly Father has in store for me and my family.  I wish I had more confidence in myself because the hard things that are coming in the near future are so scary to me and I am the only one that can make this life better for all of those involved.

I am sorry this blog post is so vague, it is because the "game plan" has to be between me and my therapist only right now, I can't involve a whole lot of people until the "game plan" is in place.

I have found that there are more people on this blog that know my identity.  Please know that again, this blog is for me to write down my thoughts as it pertains to my life.  I truly love all that read this and know of my identity as just knowing you are there buoys me up. 

This week has been hard and it is only Wednesday.  As I mentioned, I saw my therapist on Saturday, I thought about my session and I was really nervous going to my session.  I didn't know why until I wrote my last blog post.  Last week, when I was really down, I turned to my family Dr for additional help.  My family Dr is a great man and has seen me thru a lot.  Well, when I came in feeling down he kind of "freaked out".  He would not let me leave until he had talked with my therapist.  Needless to say, I was there quite a while as we talked about the options that the Dr felt good about.  My therapist, being the good man that he is, returned my Dr's call and the Dr increased my meds and sent me on my way to follow up with my therapist.  Well, it is hard to have 2 people that I respect very much talk about me.  I understand they are doing what is in my best interest, but I am still very much a control freak and want to do so much of it on my own.  Yes, I know that doesn't work to do things on your own but it takes a lot of baby steps and quite honestly, every day is a chore for me right now. 

During my last session, I sat on my hands and kept my legs crossed the entire time.  I found that I closed myself off from my therapist.  When he would ask hard questions, I would look up to the picture on the wall behind him.  I did look him in the eyes a couple of times, he has amazing blue eyes, but the abstract painting on the wall behind him got more attention than his eyes.  To me, this means that there were some things that I did not want to discuss and I closed myself up to my therapist.  That is what I meant when I indicated that I wasted my money because I do truly love and respect my therapist for EVERYTHING he does for me.  He is very gentle but therapy is very hard work and right now I am going thru some very hard things.

In our AMAC group we talked about grief and getting stuck in certain ages.  When someone makes you feel small, basically your inner child is suffering.  I struggle with my "inner child" because I am a Mom and and Adult, not someone that should be dealing with my "inner child".  What I learned last night was that I would not disregard my daughter if she came to me and told me that someone had hurt her so why am I doing the same thing to myself. 

Inner Child work is hard and I have not even really started because I am still working thru the present.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I don't know what it holds for my children, my marriage, or my parents.  The uncertainty is very scary for me.  It is like taking a step in the dark and not having any lights on.  I know that the Lord is there for me but I struggle with that trust.  Again, it is that "let me do it myself" attitude.  How do I let people help?  How do I "let go" like my therapist asks of me?  I don't know.  If someone could please help me that would be great!

I met with my therapist on Saturday.  I can't help but think that my session was a waste of my money, but then again, I found some things that I did that need to be addressed, so it was worth it.  My therapist did a great job of controlling the intensity as he knew I could not do any more intense than what I had already been thru.  (I think, I can't speak for him!) 

This blog is for me to be able to get some of my thoughts and feelings out in the open, and thankfully, there are not many that know my identity so I can be open. 

I have struggled with physical contact for some time.  I cringe when my own children touch me, but when my husband touches, I am thru the roof.  My therapist has had me doing "exposure" therapy, which basically means, I allow my husband to touch me, even though I am "freaking out".  Because my life has been so intense, I put the "exposure" therapy on the back burner.  Unfortunately, my husband struggles with the "lack of" intimacy (to put it mildly).  I can't do intimacy.  I feel used and dirty.  My life is confused with what "love" is. 

There are days where I don't know how to live as a married woman, and mother.  There is a lot to work thru, and there are days where my emotions are so intense that my head hurts.  My heart races, and I hardly sleep.  I am still on guard pretty much 24-7.  In our group sessions we discuss these traits and I am not alone however there are days where I do feel very much alone.

I was released from my LDS calling in Nursery.  I have been trying to sustain myself spiritually by reading scriptures, doing all of the things that really should be helping to carry me thru these difficult times.  However, I have found that I cannot do it on my own.  I needed help from my Ward Family (which I love!), so I turned to my Bishop and Relief Society President and told them my desires and found that my Heavenly Father was OK with my release as well.

Sunday's are difficult days for me STILL!  I struggle during the Sacrament as I ask how I could possibly be worthy of the Savior's atoning sacrifice.  I am learning that the Sacrifice was already made, that I don't need to earn it, that he freely gave his life for me.   He also gave his life for my brother, which I am seriously struggling with, as I have tried so hard to follow the Savior my entire life.  I am working thru this--- I have to work thru one thing at a time and right now, I can't consume myself with my brother and his desires!