I didn't have a therapy session yesterday because I had one earlier in the week.  My last session we ran out of time.  I could have gone on for another hour because there is so much going on.  I left feeling incomplete, that is probably the best way to describe it.  My homework assignment was to write a letter to my Heavenly Father.  I started one a week prior but did  not finish, so I was to finish my letter.  I did, it was hard, there were lots of tears, now, I have to wait to process my letter with my therapist.  The waiting is hard because all of those feelings are still there, the best way to describe it is that I have an open wound that needs a band aid and until I process it and discuss it with my therapist it is still open.

I don't have a church calling at this time.  It is a weird feeling.  So, I volunteer to sub wherever I can.  I get to substitute for the Nursery today.  I admit, I am excited, however, guess what the lesson is on. PRAYER!  These little ones are like sponges, they are just waiting to hear about Heavenly Father because they just left his presence.  No worries I will work thru it.  I thought of some fun things to do to keep them entertained.

Sunday's are always hard.  The feelings of unworthiness are always there. I am working on it.  Every Sunday I have to make a conscious decision to take the Sacrament.  I sit and cry as I reflect on my week.  I am very blessed to have a wonderful Ward family that I love and I know that there are many that love me and that is very comforting.

My husband and I are still struggling with forgiveness.  My husband is very angry at the situation that we are in.  I am trying to forgive so desparately so that I can have peace.  When I tell my husband of a flashback or he sees me cry he becomes more angry.  His anger makes it very hard to forgive.

We are meeting with our Home Teacher, who also happens to be in the Stake Presidency.  I am feeling very vulnerable as I seek to give Jed a safe person to help him with forgiveness.  It's one more person that knows , it's one more person that could look on the outward appearance instead of looking on the heart. 

Next week Frightmares opens at Lagoon.  It has always been a fun experience as they turn the park into a Halloween wonderland.  I haven't been in years.  I am scared.  With post traumatic stress the thoughts of having someone come up from behind me to scare me is freaking me out a little.  Last year I walked home from City Hall on Halloween night and I was triggered by a couple trick or treaters.  It was an awful night and I admit it is so hard to deal with the triggers and try to remain happy so that your little ones enjoy the Halloween experience.  Needless to say, I am going to need some therapy to figure this one out.

The triggers are the most unpredictable.  I am still finding just little quirky things that throw me off.  I really need some help.

Life has been so hard.  I have been working so hard in therapy.   My husband and I have started with exposure therapy.  It is the hardest thing I have done.  To be honest, being intimate scares the living daylights out of me.  It's not that I don't love my husband.  The flashbacks are terrifying.  I can't believe how much they overcome me.  Sometimes after a flashback it takes days to recover.  My Dr has started me on a new medication.  I sat in the Dr's office and cried.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I have been working part time for a while now.  The budget SUCKS.  Recently we met with the Bishop and looked over the budget.  The only way we will get ahead is if I work full time.  Right now I just can't do that.  There are days where it is so hard to hold it all together.  I break down and cry probably once a day.  My emotions are very overwhelming.  Do you know I even cried in the aisle of the feminine hygiene aisle because I knew what I needed to do?  It was awful. 

I love my husband, this has taken a lot out of us.  My kids are great kids but they are tired too.  Some days they get angry when I have therapy.  Then they get angry when I give up.  I am tired all the time.  My new medication does not make it easy for me to sleep.  A couple days ago I couldn't sleep and so I got up and went for my walk.  It was 5:00.  I thought that lots of people would be out exercising.  Well, come to find out they aren't.  So, there I was in the dark by myself and I was FREAKED OUT!  Every bush looked like a person, every little noise made my heart jump.  I even looked at my cell phone and found that at one point on my walk I walked a 7.30 minute mile (that is how freaked out I was!!!!).  About a year ago I made a deal with my therapist that I would not go walking before 6:00 because I was going like at 4:00 or 4:30 and it was not safe for me to do that.  Well I rationalized big time because since I made the deal with my old therapist I felt that it didn't apply.  So needless to say, I am going to make the same deal again with my new therapist because it was not a good experience for me and it again, it took days for me to recover.

My therapist is hard.  I do appreciate how hard he works for me.  I keep telling me that he owes me a "rent a friend" even for 10 minutes.  Last week, we had a "rent a friend" session, needless to say, I missed the hard work (not really, I just think I needed to process some things and I totally danced around the issue.)  It is not easy to share very intimate personal issues. 

It has been a very long time since I have written.  I am still on my journey to find out who I am.  It is not an easy journey.  I told my Bishop that I was done doing hard.  He keeps reminding me of that statement :) .

When I met with my Bishop a few weeks ago, he is a therapist for the VA.  He definitely keeps me thinking.  During one of our visits he asked me about therapy.  He advised me that many times his clients with PTSD isolate to avoid triggers.  This was after I told him how much I liked my alone time.  He then asked me to think of the times I isolate and look at what I am feeling, and why I isolate.  I am not going to lie, he triggered me into another situation that I did not feel safe.  I read later on that often times a therapist can trigger you into a flashback as you work thru your triggers.  To be honest, it made me mad because I realized that I have been avoiding my triggers.  I have a good reason for avoiding them, just like everyone else.  They suck, and they hurt, and they don't go away.  You have to live with them, and that sucks too.  Then when you are triggered, you have to think, OK what am I going to do with this right here and now.  If you are in a safe place, you just let it happen.  That is not an awesome experience because mine still feel as though they are happening to me all over again.  If you are not in a safe place, then you pretty much put it in a "box" in your head until you can open it.  You can't just box it up forever, you have to go thru it.  It is really one of the hardest things I have EVER done.  There is nothing that I can say that could explain what I feel.  I have lived my life for 30 years with this being hidden so deep.  In my mind, I changed every situation and made a beautiful life. 

I struggled for over 20 years with my brother.  When I moved out of the house, I did not look back.  He lived his life, and I lived mine.  After my sister passed away and I watched him at her casket, my heart ached for him.  He was almost like a "mother hen with her chick", he didn't leave her side the entire night.   Within 15 months of her passing, he was gone.  When I would listen to the radio on Sunday, there was a song that would play on the radio.  It talked about no empty chairs around the table.  My heart ached for the family that I had idealized.  I longed for me and my siblings around the table again.  (and it's not like we had an awesome time at the dinner table, but we were adults now so in my ideal world it was!) 

My therapist is an intern.  She is graduating and moving on.  I am very proud of her.  But, with her moving on, that meant that I had some choices to make.  The first one, was whether I was going to continue therapy or if I was done.  Unfortunately, for me, I am still not where I want to be with my self image.  There are many things that I still struggle with.  (My therapist referred to me as a hamster on a wheel, she often asks "how is that working for you?")  The next question was if I was going to continue, then do I start over with a brand new therapist and tell my story all over again?  To be honest, there was no question what I wanted to do in this situation.  But, so many times, I know the desires of my heart, but is it what my Heavenly Father desires for me.  My desire was to go to my first therapist from LDS Family.  Last General Conference there was a little segment on LDS Family and their role in the church.  The segment talked about their 12 step program.  It is an awesome program, but it is a short term solution.  So, I asked this therapist if he would see me in his private practice.  He graciously accepted. 

We have put marriage therapy on hold for a time while both of us work in individual therapy .  I have a lot of hard work ahead of me.  I have confidence in my therapist, and I have confidence in my decision.  Now, the question is do I have confidence in myself?  My boss tells me that when he asks me what will make me happy my answer hasn't changed " I have a lot of things to fix."  Now, I prefer not to give a lot of information to my boss because he has used many of my statements against me as the above statement is a prime example.  Where I am going in therapy is really not any business of my boss.  What happens in therapy is for me. 

I have been having some really rough individual therapy sessions.  I personally feel that we have uncovered an awful lot and it's almost like peeling an onion.  (Anyone who knows me, knows I hate onions!) and so, we are starting to get to the core of my onion.  When working with an onion, one doesn't really start to cry until you get into the 'core' of the onion.  I admit, I have cried even peeling the outer layer, but this inner core, sucks!   My therapist reminds me that her job is supposed to make me think and work thru all the hard things.  She tells me that she is doing her job and that I wouldn't want a 'rent a friend' in a therapist.  I however, would really like to have one week where I 'rent a friend'.  We laugh about it all the time because this really is hard work.  When you first start therapy you have people tell you all the time that you are doing hard work.  You know you are doing hard work, but no one sees how hard you are working from the outside.  When you exercise, and you start seeing your body change, your hard work becomes evident. 

I admit, I am worn out, most of the time.  Therapy is the hardest thing I have done.  I am finding out so much about myself.  To be honest, I have asked myself a couple times this week, how does anyone live with me and survive?  I worry about what I am doing to my children.  I only pray that as I work thru my issues that they will come out good people.  I really thought I was being a good mom.  As I find out more about myself, I wonder if I have put so much pressure on my girls.  I read about some of my personality traits.  I read about some of the characteristics of one that has been abused.  I have a lot of them.  It really does make me wonder how my kids will turn out.  I don't even know how I will turn out but my dreams have been more about my children. 

I have met with our new Bishop a couple times.  He is an amazing man.  I have been reminded a couple times by my therapist that I struggle with letting people in and trusting.  I admit, I do struggle, which then means that I don't let a lot of people help either.  (nice!)  My prior Bishop was also amazing, and he has been with me every step of the way.  So many times, you don't want to let people in because you don't want to change their 'perception' of you.  With my last visit with the new Bishop, we talked and as gentle as he could he said he understood my feelings, and then said that he would be grateful to help me if that is what I decide to do.  So many times, I feel like I am a burden to a lot of people.  I have read a lot and so many times people like myself can be manipulative.  I have thought about that statement and I pray that I do not come across manipulative to anyone, that is not something that I have ever wanted to do.  I pray for forgiveness from anyone that may feel as though I have manipulated them. 

I have been reading about compassionate service and genuine compassionate service.  There is a difference, and so often one with some of the character traits that I possess will serve others for 'self gratification'.  I know that I have learned the difference between compassionate service and genuine compassionate service.  I am grateful for my experiences to serve.

I'm not going to lie, I think that writing on my other blog about the Savior is easier than sharing my emotions and deepest feelings on this blog.  I met with my new Bishop.  He is a therapist.  You can definitely tell he is a therapist.  He asked some tough questions and makes me go "crap, that sucks".  I have had a lot of moments like that this week as I have thought about my meeting with the Bishop, and then my individual therapy session.  My last couple individual sessions have been really rough for some reason.  Sometimes, they are so overwhelming that it takes me days to get out of the crap that I had come up in session.  I still really struggle with physical touch.  Sometimes after a rough session, I can't even stand my children touching me.  That is rough on my entire family.  I will admit, I sometimes get a very flippant attitude from my husband.  There have been times where he has said to me "a man should be able to touch his wife."  There are so many times where I have to remind him, that my body is mine, not his, and I way what happens with my body.  I am sorry this is so hard for my family. This is hard for me.  Today in marriage therapy, the marriage therapist even asked me if the "hottest man" was in the room with me what would I do?  That is so easy, I would walk out.  There was even a point in our session where I had to say "I can't do this any faster".  Of course she then told me that noone asked me to go faster, but yet, I know my husband.  Both of us are struggling wth this right now.  It sucks that we even have to deal with this, but "it is what it is." 

My good friend is going in for breast cancer surgery tomorrow.  I have to admit, I was reminded of my surgery to remove my thyroid.  All of the emotions came back.  The emotions of me, and my family.  It is a hard thing.  One thing that I love to do for myself is a pedicure.  So, I admit, I saved some of my Christmas bonus.  When I remembered the days following my surgery, I felt like crap, and you become so overwhelmed with "medical jargon".  The Dr's talk to you and you almost look at their lips moving, but yet you don't even comprehend what they are saying.  I thought of this sweet friend and wondered what I could do to help her.  One point, a woman in the ward asked me why I would do a pedicure in the winter because no one sees your toes.  I then thought of how I feel when I don't feel pretty, even in my pajamas, I can look down at my painted toes, and I can feel pretty.  So, today, my friend and I found a quiet salon and we had pedicures.  She got a cheery melon color with the cheeriest flowers imaginable.  We talked, we cried, and we even got done early enough that we were able to go for a ride and chat.  It was an awesome afternoon, and hopefuly, in the next few days, she can look down at her toes and remember how beautiful she really is!

Lots going on in my head right now.  It has been a couple weeks since I last posted.  There are many reasons for this, but the biggest, is we have had a change in Bishop's.  I meet with the new Bishop tomorrow.  Before the old Bishop left his calling, we sat down and he asked me what I would be comfortable with him sharing with the new Bishop.  We didn't know who the new Bishop would be and so  I had to really reflect on the calling, and not on the person.  There are many wonderful men in the ward but not an easy thing to share with a lot of people.  I am so grateful that the prior Bishop would take the time to sit with me and help me prepare emotionally for this change.  There have been many sacred experiences that have been given to only me in regards to this new Bishop.  Feelings, and impressions, that  have been only shown to me.  (I have not shared them with anyone.)  I teach Sunday School and we talked about Tender Mercies-gifts meant specifically for you from your Heavenly Father.  I have been shown many Tender Mercies and it stirs the emotions to even think about them. 

Words cannot express the gratitude that I feel for my prior Bishop.  I truly love this man, and his sweet wife.  He has helped me truly understand that I do have a ward family.  We talk about Forever Families in our church.  I am now certain that the relationships that we gain, even in our Ward Families, can be forever as well.  He truly was a Brother that helped me thru a very dark time in my life.  When we met for the last time, he told me how far I had come, and I agree, I have come very far, but I am still not thru the trees.  (We both admitted that!)  This is really hard!  It doesn't go away.  It has to become a part of me.  I worked so hard to form the "perfect me".  The sad thing is, it wasn't what the Lord wanted for me.  You know, many relate this to a scar, that though the wound is deep, it will heal.  I have a scar on my thumb that has been there since I was in the 5th grade.  I know it is there.  I look at it from time to time, it doesn't bother me (ok sometimes it does :) ) but I know it is there and I go on with life.  I formed this "perfect life" around avoiding the scar of abuse.  It almost makes me angry that I have to know it is there.  I am almost in shock that I have had this scar for 30+ years, but just even learned about it 1 1/2 years ago.  It is almost as though this "gaping wound" opened up after 30 years of being closed over. 

I was reminded over the weekend by a friend that the new Bishop's call was all part of the "Lord's Plan".  I will admit, I was a little angry over that statement, because all of this has been the "Lord's Plan."  Everything I have done has been the "Lord's Plan."  That even though I struggle in my marriage, I can't deny the overwhelming confirmation I was to marry my husband.  My first flashback, was an answer to a prayer, truly the "Lord's Plan."  There has been too much that has gone on in my life that  I cannot deny that the Lord has a plan for me.  Now, there is also a scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about the Natural Man, and I certainly fit this category, because one of my key traits, is that I struggle with being "willing to submit" to all that is inflicted on me.  But, the Lord knows this about me as well, and he PATIENTLY teaches me.  He has given me many blessings along my path, and for that I am truly grateful.

I have been working on the Budget, I HATE the budget.  A few nights ago, after I read scriptures with my kids we had time to read another book.  The book we chose was "You Are Mine" by Max Lucado.  If you know anything about the Max Lucado books it talks about a wooden puppet named "Punchinello", and his maker named "Eli".  Well, in this particular book, Punchinello worked really hard to get "things", he even sold his bed to get "things", he worked many hours, and stopped being with friends because he thought to be important he needed more "things".  Finally, he stumbled into the home of "Eli", his maker.  Eli told him how they were just "things" and the "things" he was working so hard for had ended up costing Punchinello a lot.  Eli even at one point says to Punchinello that he needed to trust that Eli would give him what he needed. 

So, working on the budget, and then reading this book I have felt in the dumps.  I am working 2 jobs and still cannot make ends meet.  I am so much like Punchinello it is SAD!  I laid in bed after reading that story to my children and asked if I was too busy working for "things".  I sat there and wondered, if I didn't work to pay for what I do have, who would?  We don't have a lot of "things".  There are 6 of us in a 2 bedroom condo, we drive an older van, our furniture came from the DI.  We do have cell phones and 2 laptops (1 of which is our college daughter's).  I am very frugal when it comes to clothing shopping, and honestly, a lot comes from the DI.  So, if I am so frugal and don't have a lot of  "things", why in the hell can I not live within my means? 

I am told often that I need to not concentrate so hard on the "crap" that I have going on in my life.  I was reading some of my past posts and mentioned that my marriage therapist was quite blunt with me.  I remembered her being blunt, but I couldn't remember why until I worked on the budget and thought about my work.  She was blunt when she advised me that I am keeping busy to avoid a lot, and that I should be getting to the point where I can quit my 2nd job.  Well, when you see that we are $600 short this pay period alone that's when I question again, how am I supposed to do this?  I would think that every little bit helps, but then again, in my head "at what expense?"  Then, there are times where I wonder "Why in the hell am I the one that has to sit and figure this out?  Where is my husband?"    But, then I know who I am and I have never given him anything. 

I met with my Bishop on Sunday.  I have been told over and over that I needed to ask my spiritual questions of him.  Well, my poor Bishop gets an awful lot from me.  Last week, after I asked him a question, he answered me somewhat sarchastically.  He then told me I already knew the answer.  I had to explain to him again that I thought I knew the answers to the questions that I have been asking him but after all is said and done I am not sure anymore and I needed someone who was sure to answer my questions. 

This Sunday, it was my questions that took me to his office.  He knows everything I have been going thru and so I needed him to answer my questions.  I have researched on the computer and honestly, if you google, LDS and Sexual abuse in the same sentence, 90% of the search will come up with people who have fallen away from the church.  That is not my desire.  I love the Church, I am grateful for its teachings, but I will admit, I am very confused about Why?  What is the purpose?  And, What am I supposed to be learning from this?    So, I asked the Bishop Why?  Why do so many people that this happens to fall away from the church?  He answered as best as he could, and flat out, they become bitter.  I have felt bitterness.  I don't want to feel bitter. 

Everyone has trials that we need to overcome.  Our trials are designed to strengthen us.  As we discussed this trial that I have been given, we talked about where I was before, and what I want to become.  I was so sure that I could not be shaken, that my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ was strong enough to carry me thru into the next life.  And I can honestly say, that there are some 80 year olds that pass into the next life with a testimony like I had that it was enough.  However, I was shaken, and as the Bishop stated on Sunday "I don't know why your Testimony had to be shaken to its foundation", but, it has.  We read some scriptures and he answered more questions, then I asked him "what if this spiritually destroys me?"  He then said, "then that would be your choice!"    He asked me what my greatest desire would be, and I already knew what I wanted, I want to know my Savior, I want to know his plan for me, I get that this happened, there is nothing I can do about it but heal and grow from it.  Trust me, it sounds so much easier than it is, and "trust" is a very scary word for me because it is one of the hardest things for me to do, but it always has been hard for me.

The Bishop then gave me a beautiful blessing.  This is hard for me.  There are times where I have felt like it would be so much easier to handle this on the other side.  But, that wasn't part of God's plan, so I will follow, I may not like it, but the only way past it is thru it!