I am going to confess, I thought I was doing so well that I didn't need to post.  I thought I didn't have any problems, but what I found is that once again, I avoided situations.  I know, hard to believe that I would avoid anything, right? 

I don't look at my bank account, because I avoid the fact that I have no money.  I also avoid the fact that I see my families spending habits.  The last 2 days I have been trying to let someone else (my husband) deal with it.  He wants to live a nice life style.  Unfortunately, we can't afford the lifestyle that we used to.  I question why we can't.  Why is it that I still have the same job that I have had for 15 years, but yet we can't afford to live the way we were even 5 years ago?  My husband is now working full time, the first time in years since he has done that, but yet, we still come up short, and not just monthly, but in fact, every pay check we are in the negative.  How do I get above this?

The last 2 days he has had this purchase that he wants to make.  I have not wanted to deal with it because I see our finances and think that we cannot afford this particular purchase.  The total price for this purchase is $75, my husband does not see it as a huge expense, but in my head I see a power bill, or a medical bill.  When I advised him that we didn't really have the money for it he called us "white trash", he said he would come up with the money.  I still see it as him coming up with the money thru other means, and not applying it to where it really needs to go. 

We are starting into his sports season.  He has started sharing his rational thinking with me-the "I can work my full time job for $7.25/hr, or I can go and do a volleyball game for $40" to him it is a no-brainer.  I am tired of being in my head because in my head I can do the math as well, but where is the commitment?  To be honest, we have not talked to his family about the things going on in our home.  Yesterday, I advised his sister that he was working full time and she asked what would happen to his sports schedule by his working full time.  I quickly changed the subject, she advised me that we need to get caught up and that we would meet sometime soon to discuss our lives.  Even my Bishop has asked me this question-what happens when work starts interfereing with his sports-then what?  Can I ask everyone this question?  Why is this my problem?  Why is everyone asking me? 

Yesterday, my Bishop asked again if I was committed to my marriage.  I didn't respond.  I don't know how to respond any more.  Some days I am fine!  I have been told several times that "I don't know", is not an answer, so many times I have to sit and ask the question again in my head before I respond.  I hear so many of the words he has said to me.  I can't tell you how many times this week his comment from marriage therapy has played in my head.  "Are you just using your abuse as an excuse to avoid having sex with me?"  Do you know how many times in my life over the last year I wish that the abuse didn't even exist?  Do you know how many times over the last week I have wished this?