I cry myself to sleep every night.  I pray constantly to know that when all is said and done, I am going to make it thru this OK. 

I am going to be honest, this has totally changed my testimony of God and his son Jesus Christ.  My mind has been filled with doubt.  My heart pleads for answers.  I pray constantly to understand, I pray for the painful memories to stop, I pray for my heart to truly forgive, not only my brother but also myself, and I pray for my love of the Savior and my Heavenly Father to increase. 

Before I started this journey, I was almost egotistical when it came to my testimony.  I knew without a doubt that God existed, and that he lives.  I will admit, I have always struggled with his love for me.  I felt that the testimony that I had would carry me thru to the next life and then I could figure out what I was missing in the next life.  I always struggled with my faith, but again, I had eternity to figure that out.  My testimony was good!  It was where I felt it needed to be at that time in my life. 

My first flashback was truly an answer to a prayer.  I have struggled with prayer ever since.  They say that Heavenly Father doesn't give you more than you can handle.  I know that he is the only one that sees the end from the beginning so I have to have faith that he knew that I would come out of this better than I was.  He must have had a whole lot of faith in me because I am not so sure that I have that much faith in myself.  There are so many times where I just want to let go.  I keep holding on to the Iron Rod, hoping that I will make it thru the dark clouds that surround me.  I can't tell you how many times a day I have to decide to just hang on.  I don't know what I am hanging on for.  I think it is just fear of letting go.  There are days where it would be so much easier to go the way of the world. 

I know that there are many that have trials in life that I could never even comprehend.  I never want to minimize someone else's pains.  Each one of us have our trials that are made for us.  I have to admit, I have asked If God loves me, why this?  Like I said, my testimony was good, it was enough, for me.  How does he know I won't let go?