We went to marriage therapy on Thursday.  It was a little rough on both of us.  We talked about our "house" that we need to rebuild.  And we talked about my husband's job and his lack of wanting to keep his job.  Our Bishop asked me to advise the marriage therapist that he wanted to talk to her, so I gave her his phone number.  They evidently talked later that afternoon.  The Bishop then advised me that he wanted to talk to my individual therapist.  I have to admit, my insides started churning at the thought.  Please don't misunderstand, I love my Bishop, he is a great man, and he knows A LOT about what is going on but not everything.  I advised my Bishop that I was struggling with my husband not wanting to keep his job because we were still not sleeping in the same room and my Bishop went off on me.  He advised me that he understood my husband's confusion and frustration because he felt that my husband had done everything that had been asked of him.  He advised me that I was confusing my children and what kind of message was I sending them.  He then advised me that the price of my decisions could come at a very large cost. 

I thought of those comments all day.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night with regards to my decisions.  I know of my Husband's confusion and frustration, I am living it.  I know of my children's confusion and pain, again, I am living it.  I know the cost, I am fully aware of the fact that I could lose my entire family.  Some days, it is just too much to make large decisions.  Why is all of this on my shoulders?  When does my husband have to carry his weight of responsibility? 

I don't expect many to understand my decisions, because realistically, I don't understand my own decisions.  There has been a couple times when I was still sleeping in the same bed as my husband when I was sleeping and he made some advances towards me.  Now, that may seem trivial to another married woman, but to a woman that is uncovering an abusive past. lying in bed with a man that makes unwarranted sexual advances, takes her control away from her once again.  Each time, he woke me up.  I would confront him and he would say it was an accident.  When I would tell him what I felt, and then what I saw, it was not an accident.  His  comment would then be "a married man should be able to touch his wife." 

Don't get me wrong, this is not anything he signed up for when he married me.  I truly did not remember the abuse.   Does a marriage certificate give him the right to do what he wants with my body?  Is it my fault that I did not remember the abuse and so I wasn't fully honest with him?  Was I not fully honest with all those Bishop's that asked if I kept the law of Chastity?  Every day I question if I have ruined his life.