So, I actually posted yesterday's post today.  I thought about that post all day yesterday, that is until I went to marriage therapy.  But, even this morning, I thought about that post.  I finally decided to just post it because realistically, it is what I think about, on a daily basis, and this blog is for me. 

It has been a year since my first flashback.  I am still going thru a lot of HELL.  I have a lot of homework to do and I put it off until I absolutely have to because I sort thru it in my head.  I sort thru a lot.

Yesterday, in marriage therapy, my husband stressed how much he wanted me to "get over" my abuse and put it behind me.  I keep trying to get him to understand, I finally said in front of the therapist yesterday, it's not going away.  I don't just "get over it".  The abuse is a part of ME.  Am I the only one in this relationship that understands that?  I am a different person than the person he married.

The therapist asked me yesterday, "is anything Jed does ever going to be good enough?"  I found it interesting that she would ask me that, because he is the one that told me that as he was leaving my home.  He turned to my children and said that "he will never be able to do anything good enough" for me.  I have replayed that statement in my head probably a thousand times but yesterday, when the therapist said it, it hurt.  I have looked at everything I do, from my morning routine, to my chore charts, to my scripture reading and church attendance, and wonder if I am "high maintenance".  Do I really ask that much from people?  Am I needy?  This morning on my walk, I again thought of that statement. 

I found that I have given everything I have to this family.  I have given them my best, even on my worst days.  As my husband sat and told the therapist about his ankle and the pain he is in when he comes home from work and standing on his feet all day.  I thought of the years I worked at Village Sports Den, and then went to work at Karleen's.  I thought of the years that I worked at Dick's Bakery.  Sure, I sit in a chair for probably 6 hours a day.  My days are long.  I work really hard, even if I am sitting.  I have stood for hours, some days, 12 hours at the Bakery during the holidays, I understand standing for hours at work.  But, I also have known sleepless nights with a newborn and living on less than 3 hours of sleep.  I have known days where I was so sick that I could barely move.  Since my thyroid surgery, I have known days where my calcium is so low that every muscle in my body cramps up.  Where even my toes curl because of the calcium issue.  I know pain.  I am not saying that I don't believe that his feet hurt, or that he comes home tired.  But, I do too.  This isn't supposed to be a "my life is harder than yours" marriage.  What I am saying is that I have given EVERYTHING.  I even say to myself "nothing I do will ever be good enough" of myself.  I don't ask anything of my family.  I do it all myself, I don't ask any more of them than I ask of myself.  I deserve to have someone give their best for me.  I deserve to have someone love me, even on my bad days when I am not good enough for myself.