My individual therapist is so good to me.  I was in my head so bad from my husband's comments that Wednesday, I almost lost my job.  I was so distracted that my Boss  was on me for a couple little mistakes.  My problem is, I didn't know how to get out of my head.  Wednesday night, I knew I needed help getting out of my head to go to marriage therapy on Thursday.  I am not going to lie, the comments that my husband spoke to me over the weekend hurt SO BAD!  I could not believe that he had said these hurtful comments to me and didn't care that he had said them.  I still don't know if I can save my marriage.  My individual therapist texted me thru the comments and gave me the strength to confront my husband about the comments.

We went in to marriage therapy and like my individual therapist said, I told the marriage therapist that I didn't want to be there, and that if I could have walked out, I would have.  I advised my marriage therapist of the comments that were said.  She turned as white as a ghost.  She turned to my husband and advised him that she was not mad but wanted to understand what would have possessed my husband to make those comments to me.  She then asked him to maybe rephrase the statement in a better way.  His comment instead of saying that my brother was "doing" me, he could have said when my brother was having "sex" with me, or was having "intercourse" with me.  I literally "shuttered" when he said those comments.  As we were talking in therapy, my husband also disclosed that he had actually found a boy that he believes was the other boy that raped me.  He advised me that he had also gone to this man's house.  I could not believe that this was happening.  I had to tell the marriage therapist about the other boy.  I told both my husband and the therapist about the HELL that I went thru to come to the decision not to pursue the other boy, now, I have to think about my husband pursuing him!  Are you kidding me?  Can someone please stop this nightmare?

Last night, as I cried myself to sleep, I laid there and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to please help me understand what exactly a "loving Heavenly Father is". 

So, my husband wants to continue talking about the abuse.  There are days where I just can't do it.  There are days where him even breathing on my neck makes me want to crawl.  I am still very much in my head from his comments from this last weekend.  I really want to cry!  As I have said, his sports schedule is starting to interfere with his "day job".  There are times where I feel like I am making him do something he really doesn't want to do.  It is almost as though I am punishing him by making him work.  Yesterday, after a particularly "heated" discussion, he advised me that he is angry that I don't "trust" him.  Do you know how much it hurts to know that I don't "trust" anyone?  I am working so hard to learn how to "trust", I am learning how to even "trust" myself, so how in the HELL am I supposed to do this any faster so as to not rock his world any more than I already have?  I asked him why knowing how I struggle to "trust" , he would "test" that trust with screwing up his job?  Of course, when I throw it back at him, he just sits there and doesn't say a thing, so again, it's all me!  I wonder if a marriage can even survive when I don't "trust".  I wonder if I push any harder will he "crack under pressure?"  Do you have any idea how many times I think every day that I have ruined his life?  I don't get a lot of support from him, and I don't get a lot of support from his side of the family.  The last full time job my husband had, I heard from his parents how awful the situation he was in, on a daily basis.  When his last job let him go, it was the best thing for him.  That was 10 years ago.  I am not going to say that he should have had a job for the last 10 years because I did take advantage of him being home with our children.  But, I do find it ironic that once again I am hearing how awful the situation is with my husband working, how he is so unhappy, and no one deserves to be treated like that!  HELLO!  You are 52 years old, if you don't like where you are working, get out and find another job that makes you happy!  He has said that he has been working on an application with Sports Authority.  He has been working on that application for 3 weeks.  Today, as I thought about Christmas and providing for my kids, I have to admit, I applied for a job at Target!  It took me 20 minutes, and that was even having to think about what hours I could work.  Sometimes I question if he is honest with me.  Again, it bothers him that I don't "trust" him.  To be honest, there are days where I just don't think I can keep this up any more. 

I am finding more and more that my husband needs to know more about my abuse.  Last night we talked.  He asked questions.  Questions of forgiveness,  & questions of betrayal by my brother.  The more we talked, the more triggered I became.  At one point, his comment to me was "I can tell you when he was DOING you, he was not thinking abuse."    In my head, I wanted to scream-"what does that mean?"  But, then, I am not stupid, I know what it means.  Are we still in high school, is that what we do?  We "do" girls?  In my brother's mind was he really "achieving" something?  Certainly, he knew right from wrong.  Didn't he know that what he was doing to me was wrong?  Is "rape" a conquest?  "Doing" me, really?  What kind of word is "doing"?  I looked up the definition of DOING-a deed or accomplishment!  OK, to a guy, I can see how the word "doing" would work, but we are talking ME!  I never "did" anyone.  I can't believe, how bad it hurts. 

As we talked about forgiveness, I reminded my husband that we don't know what God sees, or what God knows.  We don't know if what my brother suffered in this life makes it to where he won't be forgiven in the next.  We DON"T KNOW!  All I can do is do what I KNOW!  I know the effects that abuse has on a person.  It is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  So, that explains a lot of addiction to sex, drugs, etc.  So, what if I didn't choose to abuse another, I didn't choose to turn to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.  My addiction was turned to "perfection".  You would think that recoving from an addiction to perfection would be easier than an addiction to drugs.  (at least in my head, I think it would be!)  But, you can walk away from drugs, you can walk away from alcohol, but you can't walk away from yourself.  When I first started reading about the effects of abuse in the LDS Faith, the reiterate the statistics that yes, it is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  But, when one chooses to stop the abuse and confront the "demon" it is as though the Lord is cleansing the lineage.  I would do anything for my daughters, and one day, I pray, that my posterity will never know the effects of abuse in their lives.  I know that I gave birth to "royalty" and they deserve to be treated as such.

My husband is really hating his job right now.  I think it is easier for him to control the marriage therapy sessions than it is for me because when he controls them we talk about my abuse, but when I control them we talk about his neglect of his family.  We did talk about his Priesthood.  The therapist asked if I used my husband for his Priesthood, I advised her that I hardly use the Priesthood at all in my life.  That made me feel AWESOME!  This morning my husband woke up late and so he was late for work.  He complained before bed that his body was hurting him.  He really was not going to go in to work today, which I don't understand.  We are starting to see some conflict with his sports and his job.  He tells me that he will work it out!  What does that mean?  I don't know. 

I haven't posted for a long time.  I think it's because my brain doesn't shut off.  I have had a lot going on.  I have been working on the budget (which sucks!).  I even started thinking of getting a 3rd job.  But, when you struggle with being the "nurturer" of a Mom, then the 3rd job has to be put on the shelf.  For so long I have been the "provider" in our family.  In my LDS faith we have a "Family Proclamation".  It talks about the role of a Mother and a Father.  Last week after a particularly rough marriage therapy session, I actually yelled "If I am supposed to be the 'damn dad', tell me I am supposed to be the Dad." 

I then had my individual session last Saturday, she gave me an assignment.  I still haven't done it.  She wants me to write a letter to myself.  The problem is, after writing the letter to my brother, I have a lot of hate towards him, but I also have a lot of "hate" towards myself.  I think my individual therapist is going to have to work thru a lot of things with me to get me to complete this assignment. 

I met with my Bishop on Sunday.  I have been told several times by him that the Lord would "recompense" me for my pain.  I struggle with this because all that I am, and all that I have, has come to me from the Lord.  I have struggled with the fact that the knowledge of the abuse had to come out.  I have struggled with the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father.  I have struggled with my testimony, and my beliefs.  I am learning new things, and re-learning many things.  We read Alma 14.  In this chapter Alma & Amulek are forced to watch as innocent women and children are burned.  Amulek turned to Alma and asked 'how can we stand by and watch this?'  Alma then says 'the spirit is causing me to refrain from saving them'  but "the Lord receiveth them in Glory".  I have asked "how could the Lord let this happen to me?"  I have asked "where was the spirit of the Holy Ghost?"  And realistically, I have asked "how can you stand by and watch this?"  My Bishop, with all his love, advised me that he doesn't know how the Lord will "recompense" me but that he will.  My next question was "only if I remain worthy?"  He then said "my reward will not be from a 'dime store'".  I know in the scriptures we are told that if we are worthy then "all that he has" will be ours.  But, that seems so far away, and so hard to obtain for me. 

We had marriage therapy yesterday.  I let my husband control the session.  Of course the session was all about my abuse.  Like I said, some days I am OK with the knowledge that it happened, and then others I wish I could make it all go away.  Yesterday, as my husband was venting about my brother and the abuse, my husband reflected on our dating.  My brother went on most of my dates with my husband.  My husband said to the therapist "I can't help but think I stole her brother's girlfriend."  My brother always treated me as though he "owned" me.  I sat and listened to my husband talk thru his emotions with the therapist, I sat and cried.   I didn't know what to say, and like I have always said, my therapy doesn't end when I leave my session.  I have had his comment going thru my head over and over.  I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to scream, "Damn it, I wasn't his girlfriend, I was his SISTER!" 

I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  I cry myself to sleep almost every night.  Sleep doesn't come easily to me, but I don't like how I feel when I medicate myself, so I only do that when I have reached my maximum of sleepless nights. 

I am tired often because of the sleepless nights.  It is difficult to be a "chipper" mom when you are tired.  My kids are tired too.  I think they feel the stress and tension in our home and so needless to say, last night, my 2 youngest hit a brick wall at about 7:30.  I got so much done while they slept.  I have to admit, it was really nice. 

Yesterday, I struggled to stay asleep.  I was up 4 times between 1:00 and 4:48 as I had so many thoughts going thru my head.  I didn't go for my walk at 5:30 because I finally fell back to sleep.  Needless to say, I overslept and my 12 year old daughter did too.  When we finally woke, she had 15 minutes to get ready for school and get out the door (according to her time clock!).  We wouldn't have let her be late, she could have had a ride, but the social calendar with the friends was far more important.  She was so angry with me.  She yelled at me the entire time she was getting ready.  I have learned that it is not worth the fight with her, so I just sat there.  I took it.  As she was leaving our home she yells "goodbye, I love you!". 

Again, I question, what is love?  Do we just say that, is it just words, or is it really emotion? 

So, today is a new day.  A new chapter in my life.  Today, I turn 42.  This to many is not a huge deal.  But, to be a member of my family at the age of 42 is a new adventure.  I have lost two siblings at the age of 42.  Which means that I will be writing the rest of my book on my own.  Being one of 7 children, you couldn't help but hear what your older siblings did at your age.  Now there is nothing to compare too. 

Right now, I feel like a pawn in this game called life.  Everyone is waiting for my next move.  All of the plans, the budget, the family, the marriage, all waiting on my next move.  No one wants to make their own move, just wait for me.  Why does it have to be that my next move is the one that everyone waits for?  Do you know how many times over the last couple days I have said "I don't want to play anymore?" 

My emotions overwhelm many.  It is easier for me to sit by myself to protect those around me from my intense emotions. 

I have come to realize that with everything that I share on this blog, that it makes it so no one has to ask how I am doing. 

I went thru the budget last night.  It doesn't look pretty.  Really, after I got the budget on paper, I sat and cried.  I don't know how to solve the issues.  This morning, I even tried to figure out how I could work another job to make up the difference.  The hospital works odd hours, I could work in to the night.  Then the Mom in me comes into my head.  I am already so tired after my 2nd job that I suck at homework.  My kids do a lot on their own.  I start so early in the day.  I did sleep in today.

I have heard that many times runners have bad toenails.  I didn't think anything of it.  I was planning on getting a pedicure for my Birthday next week, so I did not trim my toenails.  Needless to say, I must have jammed my toe into my shoe and my toenail broke pretty low.  It hurt all day until I could figure out what I did.  I was tired this morning, and I heard it was supposed to be cold and windy, and so I slept.  Well, guess what, it is not cold and windy yet.  The sleep was good, but when I sleep in, then the entire family sleeps as well.  My college daughter kept trying to wake me up to go with her.  I told her I was sleeping in today.  I think it made her feel bad.  I think she kind of likes to have a buddy walk her to the bus stop, and I like the time that I get to spend with her there. 

My husband went and applied for a new job.  This is a good thing.  However, he has been telling others that this week is his last week at the DI.  So, last night I got a call asking when his last day would be.  This was all news to me.  Between the kids, the homework, the housework, dinner, baths, bedtime, and the budget, I really was not in the mood to discuss his job with him last night.  This morning, I asked him when his last day was going to be at the DI.  He skirted around the subject.  He didn't get the job that he applied for yesterday, they aren't hiring right now, but he would really like that job and he knows people so they are going to try and get him on there.  That's all nice but in the meantime I am looking at a budget that is over $1,000 short for the month of October.  What do I do with that?

My Bishop really wants me to define what it is that I want from my husband.  He said it is critical that I get this done.  Everything I do right now in my life is critical.  From dealing with the health insurance, to dealing with the school fees, and the budget.  I also need to work on ME, getting ME to the point where I like being ME.  It really bothers me that right now my religion scares me.  I think it scares me because I still struggle with ME.

As I mentioned last week, my Bishop spoke with the marriage therapist.  Awhile back she asked me if anything my husband did would ever be good enough for me?  Unfortunately, she said the same comment to my Bishop.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  I totally feel as though I am selfish, and materialistic.  I have never required much so when my husband says this comment as he is walking out of my home, it was very hurtful.  I even told my Bishop yesterday, that this comment alone probably hurts more than anything anyone else could ever say to me. 

My individual therapist is out of town and so after my Bishops conversation with me yesterday, I totally needed my therapist to talk me thru my thoughts.  Thankfully, I have a dear friend that was willing to listen and help me sort thru some things. 

Today is my brother's oldest sons Birthday.  This boy is a very good boy.  He will be 20, I had the priviledge of having him in my home.  He is handicapped and desires to go on a Church Service Mission.  He is a great kid.  My daughter made him a Birthday card yesterday and he loved just the little thought.  I found out last night that he met with the Bishop yesterday as well, but his visit was so he could get a Temple Recommend.  His desire is to go to the Temple by the end of the month.  I am so excited for him, but my emotions are EVERYWHERE.  My emotions are selfish on my part.  I still very much struggle with feelings of worthiness.  I will admit, I have feelings of fear, I have feelings of never being good enough to be in such a sacred place.  I have feelings of anger towards my brother, his father, and then I have feelings of anger towards myself because this boy did nothing wrong so why punish him. 

Who defines what is good enough for me?  I don't even know.