I am finding more and more that my husband needs to know more about my abuse.  Last night we talked.  He asked questions.  Questions of forgiveness,  & questions of betrayal by my brother.  The more we talked, the more triggered I became.  At one point, his comment to me was "I can tell you when he was DOING you, he was not thinking abuse."    In my head, I wanted to scream-"what does that mean?"  But, then, I am not stupid, I know what it means.  Are we still in high school, is that what we do?  We "do" girls?  In my brother's mind was he really "achieving" something?  Certainly, he knew right from wrong.  Didn't he know that what he was doing to me was wrong?  Is "rape" a conquest?  "Doing" me, really?  What kind of word is "doing"?  I looked up the definition of DOING-a deed or accomplishment!  OK, to a guy, I can see how the word "doing" would work, but we are talking ME!  I never "did" anyone.  I can't believe, how bad it hurts. 

As we talked about forgiveness, I reminded my husband that we don't know what God sees, or what God knows.  We don't know if what my brother suffered in this life makes it to where he won't be forgiven in the next.  We DON"T KNOW!  All I can do is do what I KNOW!  I know the effects that abuse has on a person.  It is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  So, that explains a lot of addiction to sex, drugs, etc.  So, what if I didn't choose to abuse another, I didn't choose to turn to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.  My addiction was turned to "perfection".  You would think that recoving from an addiction to perfection would be easier than an addiction to drugs.  (at least in my head, I think it would be!)  But, you can walk away from drugs, you can walk away from alcohol, but you can't walk away from yourself.  When I first started reading about the effects of abuse in the LDS Faith, the reiterate the statistics that yes, it is very common for one that was abused to abuse another.  But, when one chooses to stop the abuse and confront the "demon" it is as though the Lord is cleansing the lineage.  I would do anything for my daughters, and one day, I pray, that my posterity will never know the effects of abuse in their lives.  I know that I gave birth to "royalty" and they deserve to be treated as such.

My husband is really hating his job right now.  I think it is easier for him to control the marriage therapy sessions than it is for me because when he controls them we talk about my abuse, but when I control them we talk about his neglect of his family.  We did talk about his Priesthood.  The therapist asked if I used my husband for his Priesthood, I advised her that I hardly use the Priesthood at all in my life.  That made me feel AWESOME!  This morning my husband woke up late and so he was late for work.  He complained before bed that his body was hurting him.  He really was not going to go in to work today, which I don't understand.  We are starting to see some conflict with his sports and his job.  He tells me that he will work it out!  What does that mean?  I don't know.